After Dan and I graduated from business school we both got jobs in the same area where we went to school. We continued to date one another. The relationship wasn't getting any better and at a certain point I grew tired, feeling as if it was a never-ending battle of trying to fit a square peg into a round whole.
I still was not clear on what my part was. Instead, I was focused on what Dan wasn't doing to make the relationship better. So, I had every intention of ending the relationship with Dan. He came over to my place on afternoon and I knew that was when I had to do it. I did not expect Dan to react the way that he did. He basically freaked out - kind of like I would when I was afraid of being abandoned - and proceeded to beg me to stay in the relationship. He said that he wanted to get married, but that he "just needed 6 months of living together to make sure."
I was wary - and weary. However, I agreed. After he left I thought about our situation for a while. I came to terms with a few things for myself. I realized that I wanted to marry a man who was sure about marrying me. I didn't want to marry a man to whom I had to give an ultimatum. I was clear that would always leave a bad taste in my mouth throughout the marriage.
That got me thinking; "Well, what if after 6 months Dan doesn't take the initiative to get down on his hands and knees to propose to you? What are you going to do?" Wow. I was really putting it to myself. I would look back at this conversation that I had with myself and be eternally grateful for it. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was an example of an empowering, nurturing, healthy internal dialogue I was having in support of me.
I told myself that I would give living with Dan a year. The commitment I made with myself was that if after a year Dan did not ask me to marry him, I had to end the relationship and move on with my life. I only shared this with Pat, my trusted spiritual confidant. I did not in any way allude to Dan that this is what I was thinking. I did not tell any of my girlfriends that this was a commitment I made to myself.
At the time I did not know it, but this one agreement I made with myself proved to be one of the first steps that I made in over coming my fear of being abandoned.
~ Kalkae
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Part 2: Are You Going To Marry Me?
After Dan and I had gone out on a few dates together, we were at one of our fellow student's place watching movies. There was a whole group of us there. When it was time to go, Dan and I walked out together and when we got to our cars I figured we were going to kiss and smooch a little before we said good night. We did, but in the middle of smooching Dan started to try and tell me something. He was expressing his uncertainty in he and I dating. I did not give any validation to what he was trying to tell me. I simply did the best job I could to talk him out of he and I doing anything but dating one another.
Years later as I looked back at where things went wrong with Dan, I realized that I could have handled that conversation with him differently. Instead of discounting his feeling, I could have given him room to express them. However, at the time I couldn't because my abandonment issues still had quit a hold on me. Because of my fears and limiting beliefs and because I had locked myself and Dan into the relationship without allowing us to explore what being together would be like, I could not contribute in a healthy way to the relationship.
It just got worse and we dated for three years. I became more and more insecure. I would actually chase Dan down if I saw him leaving school and "by passing" me. I was baffled by his behavior and felt so out of control at times. Here was a guy that started to ask me every so often, "So, are you going to marry me?" yet at the same time would flirt with other women in front of me and sometimes avoid me in public.
If you're asking yourself, "Why the heck did you stay with him?" then good for you, because that's just the point. The answer to that question has everything to do with what was not healed within me. If I was whole, healthy, and had a good sense of myself, I would have given Dan room to decide if he wanted to be involved with me that night he was trying to share his feeling with me. I would have been able to do with Dan what Art did with me years ago.
However, I had not connected all of those dots yet and instead I kept "trying to make it work" because the idea of it ending terrified me. I would get anxiety attacks. There were times when these anxiety attacks would happen when I was around Dan. Being on the receiving end of my anxiety attacks was not fun for Dan. On a certain level I knew this even then. However, I couldn't stop it. Simply put it was just a lot of drama.
~ Kalkae
Years later as I looked back at where things went wrong with Dan, I realized that I could have handled that conversation with him differently. Instead of discounting his feeling, I could have given him room to express them. However, at the time I couldn't because my abandonment issues still had quit a hold on me. Because of my fears and limiting beliefs and because I had locked myself and Dan into the relationship without allowing us to explore what being together would be like, I could not contribute in a healthy way to the relationship.
It just got worse and we dated for three years. I became more and more insecure. I would actually chase Dan down if I saw him leaving school and "by passing" me. I was baffled by his behavior and felt so out of control at times. Here was a guy that started to ask me every so often, "So, are you going to marry me?" yet at the same time would flirt with other women in front of me and sometimes avoid me in public.
If you're asking yourself, "Why the heck did you stay with him?" then good for you, because that's just the point. The answer to that question has everything to do with what was not healed within me. If I was whole, healthy, and had a good sense of myself, I would have given Dan room to decide if he wanted to be involved with me that night he was trying to share his feeling with me. I would have been able to do with Dan what Art did with me years ago.
However, I had not connected all of those dots yet and instead I kept "trying to make it work" because the idea of it ending terrified me. I would get anxiety attacks. There were times when these anxiety attacks would happen when I was around Dan. Being on the receiving end of my anxiety attacks was not fun for Dan. On a certain level I knew this even then. However, I couldn't stop it. Simply put it was just a lot of drama.
~ Kalkae
Friday, September 3, 2010
Part 1: Are You Going To Marry Me?
There was no question about it graduate school was tough. I was twenty-six years old and in my first year of business school. Several months prior I quit my job back East, packed up all my stuff (whatever didn't fit in my car I either gave away or sold) and headed to the West coast to get settled in before my first semester of business school started.
We already had an assignment to complete before we started school. It was for our "Human Behavior In Organizations" course. We were to read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I had read the book a few years ago, but read it again. There were many things that Peck wrote in his book that made a lot of sense to me. He also spoke about principles by which I wanted to strive to live. One, in particular, stuck out for me. It went something like this: as you become healthier you'll actually choose to get out of relationships simply because they are not working and without having to create and experience any drama.
Now, let me add that is how I remember the point. I found the concept intriguing. I thought, "You mean, people actually choose to get out of relationships and have 'easy' break-ups?" Hmmm. It was such a foreign concept to me. I also remember thinking; "There is no way I could end a relationship with someone I liked a lot. It would be like tearing myself away from the person." Obviously I didn't get it. However, Peck's principles did stick with me, in the far recesses of my unconscious.
Enter Dan. Before starting grad school I gave myself this "wonderful" assignment of not dating anyone for a year. In hindsight it was actually a good idea. Again, graduate school was demanding. Starting a relationship in addition to getting through graduate school wasn't very smart. Well, at least for someone like me who had no clue how to have a healthy relationship with a man.
It was obvious from the beginning that Dan had a crush on me. He'd make it known in subtle ways. I, on the other hand, was not attracted to him and also made it known that I wasn't dating for a year.
Dan and I became friends.
One day, in between classes, Dan came and sat down next to me on the couch where I was sitting. He said, "Do we really have to wait until March?" I looked at him with an expression that said, "What are you talking about?" But, the conversation didn't go any further because someone else came up to us and started another conversation.
Later that day I realized what Dan meant. Essentially he was asking me out. So, I started thinking about it. I thought, "Well, maybe this is the right thing to do. We're friends. I'm not particularly attracted to Dan. He's a nice guy. We have a lot in common, especially grad school." I even spoke about the possibility of dating Dan with one of my girlfriends who was in the same program as Dan and I. She said, "Well, he does have a nice body." Dan did. He worked out regularly and took good care of himself. In fact, he was one of the guys with whom I went running several times a week. There was a lot about Dan to like and I found that I was talking myself into liking him.
Without realizing it, I was talking myself into a lot more than simply liking Dan. Meaning, I'd come to realize, years later, that by our first date I essentially had us getting married some day. Because I wasn't aware of the intensity at which I approached the relationship, I couldn't understand how this guy who professed to be so crazy about me, started backing away shortly after we started dating ...
~ Kalkae
We already had an assignment to complete before we started school. It was for our "Human Behavior In Organizations" course. We were to read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I had read the book a few years ago, but read it again. There were many things that Peck wrote in his book that made a lot of sense to me. He also spoke about principles by which I wanted to strive to live. One, in particular, stuck out for me. It went something like this: as you become healthier you'll actually choose to get out of relationships simply because they are not working and without having to create and experience any drama.
Now, let me add that is how I remember the point. I found the concept intriguing. I thought, "You mean, people actually choose to get out of relationships and have 'easy' break-ups?" Hmmm. It was such a foreign concept to me. I also remember thinking; "There is no way I could end a relationship with someone I liked a lot. It would be like tearing myself away from the person." Obviously I didn't get it. However, Peck's principles did stick with me, in the far recesses of my unconscious.
Enter Dan. Before starting grad school I gave myself this "wonderful" assignment of not dating anyone for a year. In hindsight it was actually a good idea. Again, graduate school was demanding. Starting a relationship in addition to getting through graduate school wasn't very smart. Well, at least for someone like me who had no clue how to have a healthy relationship with a man.
It was obvious from the beginning that Dan had a crush on me. He'd make it known in subtle ways. I, on the other hand, was not attracted to him and also made it known that I wasn't dating for a year.
Dan and I became friends.
One day, in between classes, Dan came and sat down next to me on the couch where I was sitting. He said, "Do we really have to wait until March?" I looked at him with an expression that said, "What are you talking about?" But, the conversation didn't go any further because someone else came up to us and started another conversation.
Later that day I realized what Dan meant. Essentially he was asking me out. So, I started thinking about it. I thought, "Well, maybe this is the right thing to do. We're friends. I'm not particularly attracted to Dan. He's a nice guy. We have a lot in common, especially grad school." I even spoke about the possibility of dating Dan with one of my girlfriends who was in the same program as Dan and I. She said, "Well, he does have a nice body." Dan did. He worked out regularly and took good care of himself. In fact, he was one of the guys with whom I went running several times a week. There was a lot about Dan to like and I found that I was talking myself into liking him.
Without realizing it, I was talking myself into a lot more than simply liking Dan. Meaning, I'd come to realize, years later, that by our first date I essentially had us getting married some day. Because I wasn't aware of the intensity at which I approached the relationship, I couldn't understand how this guy who professed to be so crazy about me, started backing away shortly after we started dating ...
~ Kalkae
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Banker - Part 3
There was one issue that I had that I did bring out into the open with Bill. However, in hindsight I realized it was really an act of sabotage on my part.
With the form of birth control I chose to use there was a small percentage of a chance that I could get pregnant. I couldn't let this go, despite the fact that Bill used condoms too. In reality the odds of me getting pregnant were extremely remote. But, I had to talk about it and in such a way that contributed to the demise of the relationship.
I brought up the subject. However, because I lacked the ability to communicate effectively with a man with whom I was intimately involved, I basically made my stand. Meaning, I brought the subject up, but we never had an open, frank discussion, because I rushed to make my point. The point I made was that if I did get pregnant I would not have an abortion.
Now, picture it. I'm dating this guy who is well on his way in his career, waiting to receive his paperwork so he can apply to one of the top business schools in the country, we're at dinner and I basically announce that if I got pregnant I would not get an abortion. I never gave Bill the chance for us to have a frank discussion about our sex life let alone what we'd do if something like pregnancy presented happened. Over time I'd learn to bring my concerns to people in my support network first and work it out for myself there before blind-siding a man with whom I was intimately involved.
Needless to say, Bill started pulling away. I could feel it too. We wouldn't get together as often. He planned a trip to the tropics with his buddies and was gone for my birthday. When he got back, I knew things had changed. He had always given me really nice gifts, but this time was different. All that he brought me from his trip was a little souvenir that looked as if he picked it up as an after thought in the airport.
We didn't get together for over a week after he came back. We were going out for my birthday and it seemed like he was going through the motions. I talked to Pat (my life long friend and spiritual advisor) about it and realized that I'd rather let a man go who doesn't want to be with me versus trying to convince him to stay. So I called Bill. When I told him it seemed like he was pulling away he said, "Yeah, we need to talk." But, I was past the stage of wanting to talk. I wasn't happy about the fact that he couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on with him.
Years later I'd realize that I had a lot to do with setting that stage. I wasn't any better at going to him and being able to communicate issues I was having.
~ kalkae
With the form of birth control I chose to use there was a small percentage of a chance that I could get pregnant. I couldn't let this go, despite the fact that Bill used condoms too. In reality the odds of me getting pregnant were extremely remote. But, I had to talk about it and in such a way that contributed to the demise of the relationship.
I brought up the subject. However, because I lacked the ability to communicate effectively with a man with whom I was intimately involved, I basically made my stand. Meaning, I brought the subject up, but we never had an open, frank discussion, because I rushed to make my point. The point I made was that if I did get pregnant I would not have an abortion.
Now, picture it. I'm dating this guy who is well on his way in his career, waiting to receive his paperwork so he can apply to one of the top business schools in the country, we're at dinner and I basically announce that if I got pregnant I would not get an abortion. I never gave Bill the chance for us to have a frank discussion about our sex life let alone what we'd do if something like pregnancy presented happened. Over time I'd learn to bring my concerns to people in my support network first and work it out for myself there before blind-siding a man with whom I was intimately involved.
Needless to say, Bill started pulling away. I could feel it too. We wouldn't get together as often. He planned a trip to the tropics with his buddies and was gone for my birthday. When he got back, I knew things had changed. He had always given me really nice gifts, but this time was different. All that he brought me from his trip was a little souvenir that looked as if he picked it up as an after thought in the airport.
We didn't get together for over a week after he came back. We were going out for my birthday and it seemed like he was going through the motions. I talked to Pat (my life long friend and spiritual advisor) about it and realized that I'd rather let a man go who doesn't want to be with me versus trying to convince him to stay. So I called Bill. When I told him it seemed like he was pulling away he said, "Yeah, we need to talk." But, I was past the stage of wanting to talk. I wasn't happy about the fact that he couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on with him.
Years later I'd realize that I had a lot to do with setting that stage. I wasn't any better at going to him and being able to communicate issues I was having.
~ kalkae
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Banker - Part 2
Wow. I have completely neglected this blog!
I can’t believe that the last time I posted was February. Ugh.
I was consumed with another project and kept telling myself, “I’ll get to posting on my blog. I’ll get to posting on my blog.” Well, here it is almost six months later and I’m posting on my blog! Not good.
So, I am making a commitment to post on this blog at least once a week. True, no one has been reading it – it’s tough getting exposure for an anonymous blog – but I’m finding this blog is helping me as well. It’s very humbling to look back on the experiences I’ve had.
Back to The Banker.
When I was involved with Bill there was only one thing about him that caused me a little bit of concern from time to time: his drinking. He and I didn't do much drinking together. On occasion we'd have a beer. If we went to a party we'd drink a little bit more than usual. However, ever few months Bill would go out with his buddies on a weekend night. I never had a problem with his going out with his friends. I liked to go out with my girlfriends, and, for whatever reason, Bill going out with his friends did not push any insecurity buttons for me.
However, it was the stories he'd tell me after that fact that concerned me. Typically he'd get so drunk that he'd pass out. Once he passed out on a park bench and someone lifted his wallet out of his pocket while he laid there almost comatose. I remember thinking, "That's like the weekend binge drinker." But, I never said anything to Bill. I never addressed it with him. I was too afraid that if I did he'd leave me.
There were other things about Bill that I was unaware of until we broke up. Once I became aware of some of these issues I realized that there were, in fact, clues that were presented to me that I completely ignored. One of those issues was how he treated my friends and co-workers.
Bill was smart. He was always extra, special nice to my roommate who was also my best friend. Whenever he came over he'd say hello to her and chat with her. If he and I were going out to eat he'd always ask her if she wanted to join us. So, he 100% covered his bases there.
With my co-workers and other friends it was a different story. While Bill and I dated we went to a few events that the company for which I worked at the time hosted. One of those events was a Holiday party. Whenever we went to an event we'd hang out together for a while, but I'd also mingle with my friends. I didn't stay glued to Bill's hip, nor did he to mine. He'd often have the one-on-one conversations with people, a number of whom were good friends of mine.
Shortly after Bill and I broke up one of my male friends, Randy approached me at work. Randy and I were good friends, he was a few years younger than me, and he often came to be about his girlfriend issues.
Randy said, "Kim, I need to tell you something." I said, "Okay." He continued, "I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but we're good friends and I need to let you know this." I assured Randy that it was okay to tell me whatever was on his mind. He said, "I'm glad you're not going out with Bill anymore because he was such a jerk to me and a number of other people ..."
I was completely shocked. Randy and I talked about Bill for a few minutes, the kinds of things he said to people, and I apologized to Randy for being clueless. Randy said it was all right. It wasn't my fault, and reiterated that he was glad I wasn't dating Bill anymore. He also admitted that the few times I suggested Bill and I double date with his girlfriend and him he Knew that if we ever did make plans he was going to get out of it somehow - that's how much he couldn't stand being around Bill.
I shook my head about this for a while. As I got honest with myself, I could recall a number of instances that fit with what Randy described. Various times at parties to which I brought Bill I'd see him talking to someone and then they would walk away from him seemingly aggravated or disgusted. To this day I have no clue why Bill behaved that way. Perhaps he was drunk. Perhaps he was feeling insecure and that's how he dealt with his issues. I don't know because, again, I refused to see, let alone acknowledge there was an issue. You see if I refused to acknowledge the issue then I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to deal with the issue. Of course, I wasn't aware that was how I was operating. I was unconscious that my limiting belief that I would be abandoned again was driving me.
~ Kalkae
I can’t believe that the last time I posted was February. Ugh.
I was consumed with another project and kept telling myself, “I’ll get to posting on my blog. I’ll get to posting on my blog.” Well, here it is almost six months later and I’m posting on my blog! Not good.
So, I am making a commitment to post on this blog at least once a week. True, no one has been reading it – it’s tough getting exposure for an anonymous blog – but I’m finding this blog is helping me as well. It’s very humbling to look back on the experiences I’ve had.
Back to The Banker.
When I was involved with Bill there was only one thing about him that caused me a little bit of concern from time to time: his drinking. He and I didn't do much drinking together. On occasion we'd have a beer. If we went to a party we'd drink a little bit more than usual. However, ever few months Bill would go out with his buddies on a weekend night. I never had a problem with his going out with his friends. I liked to go out with my girlfriends, and, for whatever reason, Bill going out with his friends did not push any insecurity buttons for me.
However, it was the stories he'd tell me after that fact that concerned me. Typically he'd get so drunk that he'd pass out. Once he passed out on a park bench and someone lifted his wallet out of his pocket while he laid there almost comatose. I remember thinking, "That's like the weekend binge drinker." But, I never said anything to Bill. I never addressed it with him. I was too afraid that if I did he'd leave me.
There were other things about Bill that I was unaware of until we broke up. Once I became aware of some of these issues I realized that there were, in fact, clues that were presented to me that I completely ignored. One of those issues was how he treated my friends and co-workers.
Bill was smart. He was always extra, special nice to my roommate who was also my best friend. Whenever he came over he'd say hello to her and chat with her. If he and I were going out to eat he'd always ask her if she wanted to join us. So, he 100% covered his bases there.
With my co-workers and other friends it was a different story. While Bill and I dated we went to a few events that the company for which I worked at the time hosted. One of those events was a Holiday party. Whenever we went to an event we'd hang out together for a while, but I'd also mingle with my friends. I didn't stay glued to Bill's hip, nor did he to mine. He'd often have the one-on-one conversations with people, a number of whom were good friends of mine.
Shortly after Bill and I broke up one of my male friends, Randy approached me at work. Randy and I were good friends, he was a few years younger than me, and he often came to be about his girlfriend issues.
Randy said, "Kim, I need to tell you something." I said, "Okay." He continued, "I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but we're good friends and I need to let you know this." I assured Randy that it was okay to tell me whatever was on his mind. He said, "I'm glad you're not going out with Bill anymore because he was such a jerk to me and a number of other people ..."
I was completely shocked. Randy and I talked about Bill for a few minutes, the kinds of things he said to people, and I apologized to Randy for being clueless. Randy said it was all right. It wasn't my fault, and reiterated that he was glad I wasn't dating Bill anymore. He also admitted that the few times I suggested Bill and I double date with his girlfriend and him he Knew that if we ever did make plans he was going to get out of it somehow - that's how much he couldn't stand being around Bill.
I shook my head about this for a while. As I got honest with myself, I could recall a number of instances that fit with what Randy described. Various times at parties to which I brought Bill I'd see him talking to someone and then they would walk away from him seemingly aggravated or disgusted. To this day I have no clue why Bill behaved that way. Perhaps he was drunk. Perhaps he was feeling insecure and that's how he dealt with his issues. I don't know because, again, I refused to see, let alone acknowledge there was an issue. You see if I refused to acknowledge the issue then I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to deal with the issue. Of course, I wasn't aware that was how I was operating. I was unconscious that my limiting belief that I would be abandoned again was driving me.
~ Kalkae
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Banker - Part 1
Bill and I met at a club. What a fun evening. My girlfriend and I danced with Bill and his friends most of the night. I never drank much alcohol, my stomach couldn't take it, so when we left I didn't think twice about driving my girlfriend and myself home. Bill and one of his buddies walked us to our car. Until then I didn't notice that Bill was drunk.
When we got to our car Bill and I ended up kissing. I still remember what a great kiss it was too. But, I knew he was pretty wasted, so I wasn't surprised when I never heard from him.
Months later, my girlfriend and I were at the same club and, what do you know, there was Bill with his buddies. We said hello and Bill and I ended up sitting at the bar for a while. I wasn't enjoying the conversation at first because he kept saying, "Oh, I should have called you." Then I said, "Call or don't call. Either way is fine." I meant it. He stopped being remorseful and we then had a nice evening dancing.
You see, aside from historically making poor choices in men for myself, the meeting and greeting part of a getting to know a man became easy for me. However, once I started investing myself emotionally, things became more difficult for me. It was no different with Bill.
Bill was the first "accomplished" guy that I dated seriously. At a young age he was a Vice President at one of the most well known banks in the area. He graduated from a reputable college, made good money, owned his own condo, and drove a nice car. This was all new to me. It was nice, but wasn't nearly as important to me as the fact that I was physically attracted to him and becoming deeply infatuated with him.
I was a young twenty-something and not thinking in terms of marriage. I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't have any type of a timeline in mind. So, when Bill made a comment at one point about something that started with, "Yeah, if we get married ..." it was quit surprising to me. I didn't read much into it, except that he was at least thinking in those terms.
While that kind of a comment, coming form one’s boyfriend, would make a lot of women feel more secure, it actually feed my brewing insecurity more. As Bill and I continued to date regularly, I grew more and more insecure. When I met his mother, and Bill said, "Wow, my mom really likes you," my insecurity increased.
Remember that my insecurity was rooted in the fear of being abandoned. I was aware of the issue by this point because I'd actually go into anxiety attacks. Now, I wouldn't have anxiety attacks around Bill, but I certainly had them when he wasn't around. I'd call my spiritual mentor Pat, a loving supportive woman who got to know me a few years back, and she'd help me get centered again. I was just so afraid of screwing things up and being rejected. I kept doing the best that I could.
My issue with being abandoned did me a disservice in another way too. It kept me from seeing the reality of situations. In the future I'd look back at my relationship with Bill and see how clearly this was the case with him. I was so focused on myself, in a needy, self-centered way, that I wasn't doing what a healthy person does: assess whether or not this person was even a good fit for me. So, as you can see, my inability to make a good choice and my fear of being abandoned were intertwined.
~ kalkae
When we got to our car Bill and I ended up kissing. I still remember what a great kiss it was too. But, I knew he was pretty wasted, so I wasn't surprised when I never heard from him.
Months later, my girlfriend and I were at the same club and, what do you know, there was Bill with his buddies. We said hello and Bill and I ended up sitting at the bar for a while. I wasn't enjoying the conversation at first because he kept saying, "Oh, I should have called you." Then I said, "Call or don't call. Either way is fine." I meant it. He stopped being remorseful and we then had a nice evening dancing.
You see, aside from historically making poor choices in men for myself, the meeting and greeting part of a getting to know a man became easy for me. However, once I started investing myself emotionally, things became more difficult for me. It was no different with Bill.
Bill was the first "accomplished" guy that I dated seriously. At a young age he was a Vice President at one of the most well known banks in the area. He graduated from a reputable college, made good money, owned his own condo, and drove a nice car. This was all new to me. It was nice, but wasn't nearly as important to me as the fact that I was physically attracted to him and becoming deeply infatuated with him.
I was a young twenty-something and not thinking in terms of marriage. I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't have any type of a timeline in mind. So, when Bill made a comment at one point about something that started with, "Yeah, if we get married ..." it was quit surprising to me. I didn't read much into it, except that he was at least thinking in those terms.
While that kind of a comment, coming form one’s boyfriend, would make a lot of women feel more secure, it actually feed my brewing insecurity more. As Bill and I continued to date regularly, I grew more and more insecure. When I met his mother, and Bill said, "Wow, my mom really likes you," my insecurity increased.
Remember that my insecurity was rooted in the fear of being abandoned. I was aware of the issue by this point because I'd actually go into anxiety attacks. Now, I wouldn't have anxiety attacks around Bill, but I certainly had them when he wasn't around. I'd call my spiritual mentor Pat, a loving supportive woman who got to know me a few years back, and she'd help me get centered again. I was just so afraid of screwing things up and being rejected. I kept doing the best that I could.
My issue with being abandoned did me a disservice in another way too. It kept me from seeing the reality of situations. In the future I'd look back at my relationship with Bill and see how clearly this was the case with him. I was so focused on myself, in a needy, self-centered way, that I wasn't doing what a healthy person does: assess whether or not this person was even a good fit for me. So, as you can see, my inability to make a good choice and my fear of being abandoned were intertwined.
~ kalkae
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Alcoholic Sweetheart - Part 2
After processing it for a while I decided that I did want to date Jim. We started seeing one another again. Because there was so much chemistry and, judging from the amount of heavy petting and kissing we were doing before, I thought it was probably going to lead to sex. I had only had sex a hand full of times before, a few times with Ray and hand full of times with Tony, so I was a bit apprehensive and afraid.
I was afraid of talking about it with Jim and I was afraid of getting pregnant. I didn't trust relying solely on condoms and I was afraid of getting fat if I went on the birth control pill. I did muster up enough courage to talk to Jim about sex. He was really great about talking with me about it. I did see a doctor and got birth control and Jim and I started having sex. He really was my first lover. He was great. We spent many times together before actually having intercourse because he wanted to make me come first. Where he learned what he knew I have no idea, but he was a wonderful, considerate, gentle lover who showed me, a young woman, what it's like to have a clitoral orgasm.
Wow, it was great and he did that for me often. I didn't talk about my sex life a lot with my girlfriends, but I came to find out over the years through reading and hearing other women talk about sex, that I was pretty lucky. Jim really was the man in my life that enabled me to let go and be more open during lovemaking.
Jim and I dated for almost a year after we graduated. We lived almost 300 miles from one another, but he would come to visit me and I would go and visit him at least once a month. Jim was great and I cared a lot about him, but he always drank a lot too.
We were at a party that the company I worked for at the time was having. I invited Joe and he came up to attend it with me. Several of my friends were there too. At one point my friends and I were talking about a one-day skiing trip that I had won as an employee recognition gift. I was going to take one of my roommates. A little bit later in the evening, Jim asked me about the skiing trip. I told him about it and he was upset that I didn't ask him to go. I was surprised. In all the time we'd been together I didn't see him get upset about anything, really, let a lone a trip to go skiing for a day.
The whole thing caught me off guard. I had not thought about taking Jim. I don't even know why I didn't. I had no idea how to handle the situation, but I do remember how the conversation ended, because what Jim said left a pit at the bottom of my stomach. He raised his drink up a little and said, "That's okay. I've got my gin and tonic. That's all I need." I remember thinking, "Well, that's not good." But, true to my style of not handling things, I brushed it aside. However, when I ended the relationship with Jim about 6 months later, I could look back and see that his drinking had a lot to do with why I didn't want to be with him anymore.
True to Jim's style, he was even very sweet about the break up. He simply said, "Oh. Okay. I'm going to miss your face." I haven't seen Jim since.
~ kalkae
I was afraid of talking about it with Jim and I was afraid of getting pregnant. I didn't trust relying solely on condoms and I was afraid of getting fat if I went on the birth control pill. I did muster up enough courage to talk to Jim about sex. He was really great about talking with me about it. I did see a doctor and got birth control and Jim and I started having sex. He really was my first lover. He was great. We spent many times together before actually having intercourse because he wanted to make me come first. Where he learned what he knew I have no idea, but he was a wonderful, considerate, gentle lover who showed me, a young woman, what it's like to have a clitoral orgasm.
Wow, it was great and he did that for me often. I didn't talk about my sex life a lot with my girlfriends, but I came to find out over the years through reading and hearing other women talk about sex, that I was pretty lucky. Jim really was the man in my life that enabled me to let go and be more open during lovemaking.
Jim and I dated for almost a year after we graduated. We lived almost 300 miles from one another, but he would come to visit me and I would go and visit him at least once a month. Jim was great and I cared a lot about him, but he always drank a lot too.
We were at a party that the company I worked for at the time was having. I invited Joe and he came up to attend it with me. Several of my friends were there too. At one point my friends and I were talking about a one-day skiing trip that I had won as an employee recognition gift. I was going to take one of my roommates. A little bit later in the evening, Jim asked me about the skiing trip. I told him about it and he was upset that I didn't ask him to go. I was surprised. In all the time we'd been together I didn't see him get upset about anything, really, let a lone a trip to go skiing for a day.
The whole thing caught me off guard. I had not thought about taking Jim. I don't even know why I didn't. I had no idea how to handle the situation, but I do remember how the conversation ended, because what Jim said left a pit at the bottom of my stomach. He raised his drink up a little and said, "That's okay. I've got my gin and tonic. That's all I need." I remember thinking, "Well, that's not good." But, true to my style of not handling things, I brushed it aside. However, when I ended the relationship with Jim about 6 months later, I could look back and see that his drinking had a lot to do with why I didn't want to be with him anymore.
True to Jim's style, he was even very sweet about the break up. He simply said, "Oh. Okay. I'm going to miss your face." I haven't seen Jim since.
~ kalkae
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