The Boy In Kindergarten

It's the eve of a new year and a new decade. It's seems somewhat ironic to me that it is today that I'm going to start to share my story on this blog. Here we go:

I remember the first time a boy flirted with me. It was in kindergarten. You know how in kindergarten you sit on the floor in front of your teacher? Well, one of the boys in my class would sit next to me and whisper in my ear, "I'm going to marry you when we grow up." Or, he would whisper, "I want to kiss you."

This same boy would find me on the playground and say the same two things:

I'm going to marry you when we grow up.
I want to kiss you.

I do not even remember the boy's name and I vaguely remember what he looked like. However, I clearly remember how it felt when he flirted with me. I would get giddy, giggly and it felt really special.

So, you could imagine how I felt when after awhile he moved onto one of the other girls in our class. I wasn't devastated, but I was bothered. It was a 5 year olds version of realizing that maybe, perhaps, she wasn't so special and it was all just a game to him.

But the experience was similar with what was going on at home for me. I had two older sisters and a younger brother. We were all close in age and vying for our father's attention when he was home. My dad was a commercial airline pilot and on the road 4 to 5 days a week, sometimes even longer.

It was such a thrill when my dad came home from a trip. He'd come thorough the front door in his uniform, looking all-important and handsome. We'd fight for his hat and he'd plop it on top of one of our heads. Whenever I got it I felt special.

We would wrap ourselves around his ankles and he'd walk around with us sitting on his foot saying, "Look at these big warts I have on my ankles. What am I going to do?" We'd laugh and giggle and usually end up on the floor with our dad tickling us.

I adored my dad and I always missed him when he wasn't home. I always felt safe when he was home. I also always felt that my dad loved me, but I never felt that I got enough of his time or attention.

So, this extra attention I received from this boy at school did something for me – as long as it lasted.

Years later my parents got divorced. They had been separated for a while and my dad was living in a one-bedroom apartment. He would take us over night often, all five of us in his little apartment. Again, I was simply happy to be with my dad.

We found out about our parents' divorce from my dad. It was one of the times we were at his place. He sat us all down on the coach and said he had something to tell us. He started crying, deeply, as he told us that our mom decided to get a divorce. I remember feeling so bad for my dad. I wasn't angry with my mom. In fact, I wasn't even surprised. It kind of seemed to make sense to me because my parents seemed to argue a lot. Prior to my dad moving out, I would often hear our parents yelling at one another in their bedroom, behind closed doors.

Shortly after that my parents announced to us that my dad was going to live in the house with us and my mom was going to move out. I was thrilled that my dad was going to have custody of us. The weekend that he moved back into the house I was away with a girlfriend and her family on a trip to the desert. I remember walking home from her house upon our return on a Sunday, filled with excitement to see my dad.

When I got home the foyer was filled with boxes, but instead of being met by my dad, I was met by my sisters, brother and a babysitter. I felt very sad and disappointed.

My dad raised us a bachelor for five years during a time when that simply was not done. I would see my mom occasionally and on some holidays. But, my mom was consumed with her career and I preferred being with my dad anyway – at least when he was home. He was still on the road a lot with his profession as a pilot and we were often home with yet another guardian that he hired to watch us when he was away.

What does all this have to do with dating? For me, I realized it had a lot to do with what kind of dating experiences I had.

It is apart of the human condition that the experiences we have from when we're born up until we're about 8 years old shape us. Our brains are continuing to develop during that period of time, as well as many other aspects of ourselves. Many of us are walking around approaching the world from that perspective – the perspective of an 8 year old – even younger in some cases. We're not even aware of it, though because we've got it that the way we perceive things is real. What we're not aware of us how much of a part we have in creating what we experience in our lives.

I'll use myself as an example. It's really not a stretch to see how when I did start actually dating boys in Junior High school I would "go steady" with a boy simply because he liked me. I remember this one boy, who many of the girls had a crush on since elementary school, starting to take an interest in me in Jr High. He'd walk me to class and my girlfriends started to tell me that he was going to ask me to go steady with him.

Well, he did one day, right in the hallway before the bell was about to ring. I was very indifferent about him and couldn't understand why he wanted to go steady with me.

This same experience repeated itself several more times for the next few years. When I kissed each of these guys, with whom I was "going steady," I really did not enjoy the experience at all. I can't even remember how each of these "relationships" ended, but none of them lasted very long and they were all superficial – at least for me they were.

You see, the circumstances were there, but I created something from it that made it into my little drama:

The circumstances: A boy liked me and was paying attention to me. Other girls like the boy.

My little drama: He's giving me attention. While that's good it's uncomfortable. There must be something wrong with him for liking me. There also must be something wrong with me if I do not like him. So, I better play along.

I'm sure some psychologists would have a field day with the above, and believe me I've had a few professionals over the years help me sort out my past. But my point here is to draw a correlation between how I handled situations that came up in my life based upon my experiences as a little girl. The truths is that another little girl could have had the same experience as I did growing up and make it mean something entirely different. That is also another aspect of the human condition: We're very creative in what we make what we experience mean for us.

So, for me, I entered the dating world with two major issues:

First, as I shared above, I did not see myself as worthy of a boy's attention. Second, I feared being abandoned.

~ kalkae

Why I Started This Blog

As I sit here and write this post I think to myself, "With the issues you've had in your marriage and in past relationships, why do you want to write about all of it?" Then I remembered something that happened a few years ago.

It was about 8:00 am on a Saturday morning and I was loafing around on the coach. My children were with their father for a few days, so it was quiet in the house. My cell phone suddenly startled me by ringing. No one ever called me that early in the morning.

I didn't recognize the number appearing in the caller ID, but I answered the phone anyway – not something I usually do. I was pleasantly surprised that it was Karen, a woman my age who I knew through mutual friends. Whenever Karen and I saw one another we always seemed to have a great conversations. Our conversations were usually about spirituality and personal growth. Since Karen's divorce, we also had a number of deep conversations about what we've learned from our past relationships with men.

While I was pleasantly surprised to hear from Karen, I quickly realized that she was a bit distressed. She proceeded to tell me that while she was doing her laundry at the laundry mat that morning she met a man. She told me, "Now I am freaking out because I agreed to go out with him!"

Karen and I talked about her experience. She simply needed someone to help her sort it out so that she could make sense of what just happened. She felt it was such a strange place to meet a man and didn't know if she should trust what was going on or be skeptical.

A few weeks later I saw Karen and asked her how her date went. She smiled and said, "It was very nice and we're still seeing one another." We chatted a bit about the situation and she added, "I called you that morning and gave it to you so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Thanks for letting me do that." I said, "My pleasure."

Karen is still dating the man she met in the laundry matt, they get along very well, and she is happy. I did wonder, though, why she chose to call me. I knew that she was much closer with several of our other mutual friends. I realized that Karen wasn't the only female friend or acquaintance I had that called me to talk about their dating and relationship experiences.

There is something I provide to women that helps them find their way through the dating maze. I'm not sure what it is, but I suspect it has something to do with how I share so openly about my experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly – and what I've learned from those experiences.

So, I write this post to my new blog to share with women my experiences and what I've learned in an effort to help as many women as possible have more fulfilling dating experiences.

Disclaimer: While all of the stories posted in this blog are true, names and identities have been changed in order to respect people's privacy.

~kalkae