Before I started high school my dad got married and we moved.We didn't move far, but we did move far enough that I had to go to a different high school than all my friends – kids I'd known since third grade.It was hard. The first few weeks I sat on the benches by myself during lunchtime. Ugh. Then I recognized a girl in one of my classes. We went to the same elementary school until she moved away in fourth or fifth grade. I started hanging out with her and her friends.
I remember all of that very clearly, but I do not remember when I first saw or met Tom. It's strange to me that I don't remember meeting him because I ended up having a serious crush on him for years.
I do remember that Tom and I were in a few of the same classes during our three years in high school. He was so cute. He was tall, athletic, popular, and always very nice to me. However, he seemed to always have a girlfriend. I was intrigued with the kids who were boyfriend-girlfriend in high school. I never was and had no clue how that ever happened between two young people. I think I also romanticized the whole notion of being high school sweethearts.
From time to time Tom would flirt with me too. I loved it when he did. Then, there came a time when he actually did not have a girlfriend. He even asked me to dance with him at one of the school dances. I was thrilled. Then he gave me a ride home from the dance. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
We sat in front of my house in the driveway and kissed. Wow, he kissed really well too. I was hooked. Then my dad came out to "say hi." I didn't think anything of it. My dad was very gregarious and my siblings' friends and mine always seemed to "love my dad." Tom and I said good night and off he drove.
I didn't know where I stood with Tom. When he passed by me during lunch the next school day I couldn't tell if he wanted me to come with him to the concession stand or not. I'd go to watch his games. He gave me a ride home once. But, going out with him just didn't go anywhere. I figured that he never really liked me that much anyway. I also knew that I was nervous around him, so I figured that made him uncomfortable. Years later I came to realize two things:
First, my nervousness around guys that I liked a lot was rooted in my fear of being abandoned and the deep seeded belief that I wasn't good enough.
Second, Tom was afraid of my dad! I discovered this at our 20-year reunion. Tom was there, out of shape and still struggling with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. I'd heard about Tom from time to time over the years and how he was having a difficult time. He was still very nice to me, even flirting with me a bit – as well as a few of the other women.
After the reunion that evening a number of us attended a party that one of our classmates organized. At one point during the party, Tom came up to me and we were chatting a bit. I realized that he was flirting with me, which, to my amazement brought up that giddy high schoolgirl in me. I didn't even think Tom was very cute any more, but the personality was there. I felt we were both catapulted back to our high school years. It was very strange.
Then he said it. He said, "Yeah, you're dad really freaked me out that time I gave you a ride home." I was amazed. I wondered if Tom and I would have kept dating if I my dad had not come out to say hello to us that evening. Did Tom only date girls whose parents weren't the least bit protective? Who knows? It's all speculation.
I didn't respond to what Tom said because I thought, "Well, it was a blessing in disguise that I did not end up with Tom. Here we are 20 years later and he's a mess." But, the interesting thing was that I was at my reunion and after party with my husband. As I stood there judging Tom I was not aware of something that I now know. I ended up marrying someone who had a number of similarities to Tom.
I also ended up marrying someone who I felt the same way as I did about Tom in high school. I even said to my marriage counselor several times that if I knew my husband in high school I would have had a serious crush on him. So, by the time my marriage was falling apart I was well aware of my pattern, but it would take a number of years, a few subsequent relationships and a lot of heartache to come to terms with it.
There was only a short period of time during my high school years that I didn't think a lot about Tom. It was the summer before my senior year when I met Ray. Ray's younger brother and I were classmates. I wasn't a friend with his younger brother, but I knew him. Ray's younger brother was a cool surfer and a lot of the girls had a crush on him.
I met Ray one evening when he and two of his friends came into the Baskin Robbins where I worked. That evening, like most shifts that I worked at Baskin Robbins I was working with Tammy. Tammy and I went to high school together and she was instrumental in my getting the job at Baskin Robbins.
Working at Baskin Robbins was fun. It was hard work scooping ice cream when the shop was crowded. But, all in all, working there was fun. There was a pizza place next door and this area of town was where all the high school kids hung out on the weekends.
It was obvious when Ray and his two friends came in that evening that one of his friends, Brad, came to see Tammy. Now, these were "older boys" who were already out of high school. But, I wasn't surprised Brad came into the shop to see Tammy. She was really pretty. She was tall; thin, had blue eyes, olive complexion, and sun streaked hair. Tammy and I had a lot of fun too. I really enjoyed the times we had working together at Baskin Robbins.
So, here were these three older boys, sitting at the Baskin Robbins while Tammy and I worked. Brad was very outgoing and talked to Tammy whenever she wasn't serving a customer. Ray and their other friend were pretty quiet and just sat at a table and hung out.
They ended up giving us a ride home that night. I sat next to Ray in the car. I remember glancing at him at one point and having the casual thought, "He's got a cute profile." But, I never thought much about him after that. It never occurred to me that he liked me. I mean, he was an older boy and I was just this little peon, high school girl. Well, I was wrong. It's only now, as I write this that I realize that was another one of my patterns – never considering that "a guy like that" would like me.
Ray did like me, but he was shy. He and his buddies would come to see Tammy and me a few more times before I found out that he liked me. I didn't find that out directly from him. I found it out from Tammy. It's all so "high school" huh?
We started dating. I became infatuated with Ray very quickly. He didn't have his own car, so getting together was always based upon him using his parent's car. At first it didn't seem to be a difficult thing for Ray to borrow the car. We'd go to the movies, he'd come over to my house, or he'd come and pick me up and we'd go to his house.
Ray didn't have a job, attended Jr College part time, played baseball for the JC and lived at home. He often didn't have money and when he wanted it he'd manage to do some type of chore like detailing his uncle's car to get some cash. But, wow was he cute. He was 100% "my type." Athletic, cute, surfer-type. I loved making out with him and after a few months I decided that it was okay if we "went all the way."
While I didn't know it then, by the time we did have sex the relationship was already doomed. Here was my pattern emerging again. I was involved with a guy who wasn't a very motivated individual and rather than see it for what it was I tried to make it into something that it wasn't. Getting together began to seem like less and less of a priority to Ray and I started complaining and whining.
I'm sure it was very unpleasant for Ray to sit on the phone and listen to me whine about how he wasn't doing this and he wasn't doing that. However, at the time not only did I not have any type of skills to handle the situation, I was completely unaware of the issues I had that were driving my behavior and me. Again, deep down I didn't think I was worthy of having this older, good-looking guy from a popular family interested in me in the first place. Then, on top of that I was unconsciously dealing with my fear of being abandoned by this guy.
The relationship ended when I initiated a conversation with Ray about "us." In initiating the conversation my intention was to work it out some how. But, to my surprise the relationship was over after the conversation. It was as if he was looking for an opening to end it and as soon as one appeared he took it.
I was really upset and actually got quit depressed. I went round and round in my head about what must have happened. This all took place over the course of the summer. Now the little fantasy I had of being with Ray during my senior year in high school was shot. Gone. I felt worthless and completely abandoned.
While I took it all on, feeling like he didn't want to go out with me anymore because I wasn't good enough, I was also 100% unaware of how I created the entire situation. But, how many 17 year olds have enough self-awareness to see what their part is in any situation? Not many. Like most people I had to live life in order to learn from it. But, eventually I did learn a lot about myself by looking back on this brief, yet significant experience that I had with Ray.
~ kalkae
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