The Stage Is Set

Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. I have a very nice holiday, spending it with my three children and my boyfriend.

The past year flew by quickly. When I take a glance at 2009 I see a lot of changes that took place in my life. This time last year I was dating a different man. I was not nearly as compatible and did not have nearly as much fun with him compared to the man I am currently dating. My kids have grown and matured a bit over the past year. All three of them are precious and wonderful in their own, unique ways. I also have a new job, one that I enjoy going to every day.

I am grateful.

But, my post today to my "Dating By Attraction" blog is not meant to be about remembering 2009. I am posting to my blog today to share with you more of my story as a single mother over 40 who is dating. It's a story about a woman learning about men, women and herself.

I'm giving this post the title "The Stage Is Set." I think you'll see why I gave it that title by the time you're finished reading this post.

The Stage Is Set

It was when I was a young adult that I started becoming aware of my issue with abandonment. Since that time I've often thought having that issue was odd. Why? Because my dad never, technically, abandoned us. I didn't really care if my mother was around or not. However, I've come to understand that why a person has certain issues/fears/hang ups is not, necessarily, logical.

I've come to know that as a little girl I felt abandoned simply because my dad wasn't around much. I'm also quit certain now that even though "I didn't care if my mother was around or not" I was still affected by her lack of interest in me, her daughter.

My issue with abandonment first reared its ugly head towards the end of Jr High. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go roller-skating one Friday night. We had so much fun we went the following Friday night as well. This soon became a regular Friday night outing for us. We started getting to know the crowd that hung out at the rink – the people that worked there, the professional skaters, and even some people who didn't skate but showed up there every weekend.

It was a fun time and innocent on my girlfriend's and my part. One of the older guys even took us under his wing as his pseudo little sisters. He really watched out for us. Soon my girlfriend and I were spending every Friday and Saturday nights down at the rink. Sometimes we'd even go to the rink on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Our "big brother" would take us to some of the competitions too. I loved watching the people I knew compete and win.

And there was Will. Will was one of the floor guards. I really didn't think much of Will. He was one of the people down at the rink that I knew. In fact, my girlfriend and I actually had a crush on the other floor guard – all the girls did because he was really cute. But, the floor guards were "older" and while we had our little crush it never entered my mind that either of them would be the least bit interested in us – little Jr High girls. I mean, I even had braces: big honking metal brackets and wires all over my mouth!

Well, I was wrong. I was walking home from school one afternoon when I looked up and saw Will in his car on the side street I was about to cross. It was so unexpected. It didn't feel creepy or anything. But, it was kind of strange to see him there. He gave me a ride home and it didn't seem like anything to me. It never occurred to me that he liked me.

After the ride home from school, whenever I went to the rink, Will grabbed my hand during the couples skating. I remember how he didn't like holding hands finger locked. We had to hold hands in what I considered to be "the old fashioned way." Still, my thinking was along the lines of, "Okay, no big deal. I'm just skating with this guy."

Then Will gave me a ride home one night after skating. I still didn't think much of it. I still wasn't thinking, "Oh, I like this guy." In fact, since he was older I felt a bit intimidated. I suppose I realized that he liked me, but it wasn't an awareness I had that was in the forefront of my conscience.

When we got to my house he parked out front. I'd never had an experience like this before. All the other boys I had dated didn't drive. We'd either hang out at school, or take the bus somewhere. This felt so grown-up to me and I really didn't know what to do.

Then, before I knew it we were kissing. It was a kiss like I had never had before. This guy had me in his arms and was practically engulfing me in his kiss with so much passion it blew me away. I just didn't know what to think. I remember getting out of the car and walking inside completely blown away. While lying in bed I realized that I really liked how he kissed me. It was incredible. I also realized that all the kissing I'd done up until that point simply wasn't really kissing!

Will become my first infatuation and our romance never went much further than that one kiss. That wasn't my choice. Truth be told I think I was far too nervous around him and that was probably a turn off to him. However I was really stuck on this guy for another year or so – until I moved to a nearby town and didn't see my girlfriend as much. Because I moved, going to the rink every Friday and Saturday night became less and less of an option.

But, the stage was set with the experience I had with Will. While I wasn't aware of it then, I was setting the stage of equating infatuation with love.

~ kalkae