The Banker - Part 1

Bill and I met at a club. What a fun evening. My girlfriend and I danced with Bill and his friends most of the night. I never drank much alcohol, my stomach couldn't take it, so when we left I didn't think twice about driving my girlfriend and myself home. Bill and one of his buddies walked us to our car. Until then I didn't notice that Bill was drunk.

When we got to our car Bill and I ended up kissing. I still remember what a great kiss it was too. But, I knew he was pretty wasted, so I wasn't surprised when I never heard from him.

Months later, my girlfriend and I were at the same club and, what do you know, there was Bill with his buddies. We said hello and Bill and I ended up sitting at the bar for a while. I wasn't enjoying the conversation at first because he kept saying, "Oh, I should have called you." Then I said, "Call or don't call. Either way is fine." I meant it. He stopped being remorseful and we then had a nice evening dancing.

You see, aside from historically making poor choices in men for myself, the meeting and greeting part of a getting to know a man became easy for me. However, once I started investing myself emotionally, things became more difficult for me. It was no different with Bill.

Bill was the first "accomplished" guy that I dated seriously. At a young age he was a Vice President at one of the most well known banks in the area. He graduated from a reputable college, made good money, owned his own condo, and drove a nice car. This was all new to me. It was nice, but wasn't nearly as important to me as the fact that I was physically attracted to him and becoming deeply infatuated with him.

I was a young twenty-something and not thinking in terms of marriage. I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't have any type of a timeline in mind. So, when Bill made a comment at one point about something that started with, "Yeah, if we get married ..." it was quit surprising to me. I didn't read much into it, except that he was at least thinking in those terms.

While that kind of a comment, coming form one’s boyfriend, would make a lot of women feel more secure, it actually feed my brewing insecurity more. As Bill and I continued to date regularly, I grew more and more insecure. When I met his mother, and Bill said, "Wow, my mom really likes you," my insecurity increased.

Remember that my insecurity was rooted in the fear of being abandoned. I was aware of the issue by this point because I'd actually go into anxiety attacks. Now, I wouldn't have anxiety attacks around Bill, but I certainly had them when he wasn't around. I'd call my spiritual mentor Pat, a loving supportive woman who got to know me a few years back, and she'd help me get centered again. I was just so afraid of screwing things up and being rejected. I kept doing the best that I could.

My issue with being abandoned did me a disservice in another way too. It kept me from seeing the reality of situations. In the future I'd look back at my relationship with Bill and see how clearly this was the case with him. I was so focused on myself, in a needy, self-centered way, that I wasn't doing what a healthy person does: assess whether or not this person was even a good fit for me. So, as you can see, my inability to make a good choice and my fear of being abandoned were intertwined.

~ kalkae

My Alcoholic Sweetheart - Part 2

After processing it for a while I decided that I did want to date Jim. We started seeing one another again. Because there was so much chemistry and, judging from the amount of heavy petting and kissing we were doing before, I thought it was probably going to lead to sex. I had only had sex a hand full of times before, a few times with Ray and hand full of times with Tony, so I was a bit apprehensive and afraid.

I was afraid of talking about it with Jim and I was afraid of getting pregnant. I didn't trust relying solely on condoms and I was afraid of getting fat if I went on the birth control pill. I did muster up enough courage to talk to Jim about sex. He was really great about talking with me about it. I did see a doctor and got birth control and Jim and I started having sex. He really was my first lover. He was great. We spent many times together before actually having intercourse because he wanted to make me come first. Where he learned what he knew I have no idea, but he was a wonderful, considerate, gentle lover who showed me, a young woman, what it's like to have a clitoral orgasm.

Wow, it was great and he did that for me often. I didn't talk about my sex life a lot with my girlfriends, but I came to find out over the years through reading and hearing other women talk about sex, that I was pretty lucky. Jim really was the man in my life that enabled me to let go and be more open during lovemaking.

Jim and I dated for almost a year after we graduated. We lived almost 300 miles from one another, but he would come to visit me and I would go and visit him at least once a month. Jim was great and I cared a lot about him, but he always drank a lot too.

We were at a party that the company I worked for at the time was having. I invited Joe and he came up to attend it with me. Several of my friends were there too. At one point my friends and I were talking about a one-day skiing trip that I had won as an employee recognition gift. I was going to take one of my roommates. A little bit later in the evening, Jim asked me about the skiing trip. I told him about it and he was upset that I didn't ask him to go. I was surprised. In all the time we'd been together I didn't see him get upset about anything, really, let a lone a trip to go skiing for a day.

The whole thing caught me off guard. I had not thought about taking Jim. I don't even know why I didn't. I had no idea how to handle the situation, but I do remember how the conversation ended, because what Jim said left a pit at the bottom of my stomach. He raised his drink up a little and said, "That's okay. I've got my gin and tonic. That's all I need." I remember thinking, "Well, that's not good." But, true to my style of not handling things, I brushed it aside. However, when I ended the relationship with Jim about 6 months later, I could look back and see that his drinking had a lot to do with why I didn't want to be with him anymore.

True to Jim's style, he was even very sweet about the break up. He simply said, "Oh. Okay. I'm going to miss your face." I haven't seen Jim since.

~ kalkae