The Banker - Part 1

Bill and I met at a club. What a fun evening. My girlfriend and I danced with Bill and his friends most of the night. I never drank much alcohol, my stomach couldn't take it, so when we left I didn't think twice about driving my girlfriend and myself home. Bill and one of his buddies walked us to our car. Until then I didn't notice that Bill was drunk.

When we got to our car Bill and I ended up kissing. I still remember what a great kiss it was too. But, I knew he was pretty wasted, so I wasn't surprised when I never heard from him.

Months later, my girlfriend and I were at the same club and, what do you know, there was Bill with his buddies. We said hello and Bill and I ended up sitting at the bar for a while. I wasn't enjoying the conversation at first because he kept saying, "Oh, I should have called you." Then I said, "Call or don't call. Either way is fine." I meant it. He stopped being remorseful and we then had a nice evening dancing.

You see, aside from historically making poor choices in men for myself, the meeting and greeting part of a getting to know a man became easy for me. However, once I started investing myself emotionally, things became more difficult for me. It was no different with Bill.

Bill was the first "accomplished" guy that I dated seriously. At a young age he was a Vice President at one of the most well known banks in the area. He graduated from a reputable college, made good money, owned his own condo, and drove a nice car. This was all new to me. It was nice, but wasn't nearly as important to me as the fact that I was physically attracted to him and becoming deeply infatuated with him.

I was a young twenty-something and not thinking in terms of marriage. I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't have any type of a timeline in mind. So, when Bill made a comment at one point about something that started with, "Yeah, if we get married ..." it was quit surprising to me. I didn't read much into it, except that he was at least thinking in those terms.

While that kind of a comment, coming form one’s boyfriend, would make a lot of women feel more secure, it actually feed my brewing insecurity more. As Bill and I continued to date regularly, I grew more and more insecure. When I met his mother, and Bill said, "Wow, my mom really likes you," my insecurity increased.

Remember that my insecurity was rooted in the fear of being abandoned. I was aware of the issue by this point because I'd actually go into anxiety attacks. Now, I wouldn't have anxiety attacks around Bill, but I certainly had them when he wasn't around. I'd call my spiritual mentor Pat, a loving supportive woman who got to know me a few years back, and she'd help me get centered again. I was just so afraid of screwing things up and being rejected. I kept doing the best that I could.

My issue with being abandoned did me a disservice in another way too. It kept me from seeing the reality of situations. In the future I'd look back at my relationship with Bill and see how clearly this was the case with him. I was so focused on myself, in a needy, self-centered way, that I wasn't doing what a healthy person does: assess whether or not this person was even a good fit for me. So, as you can see, my inability to make a good choice and my fear of being abandoned were intertwined.

~ kalkae