The Banker - Part 3

There was one issue that I had that I did bring out into the open with Bill. However, in hindsight I realized it was really an act of sabotage on my part.

With the form of birth control I chose to use there was a small percentage of a chance that I could get pregnant. I couldn't let this go, despite the fact that Bill used condoms too. In reality the odds of me getting pregnant were extremely remote. But, I had to talk about it and in such a way that contributed to the demise of the relationship.

I brought up the subject. However, because I lacked the ability to communicate effectively with a man with whom I was intimately involved, I basically made my stand. Meaning, I brought the subject up, but we never had an open, frank discussion, because I rushed to make my point. The point I made was that if I did get pregnant I would not have an abortion.

Now, picture it. I'm dating this guy who is well on his way in his career, waiting to receive his paperwork so he can apply to one of the top business schools in the country, we're at dinner and I basically announce that if I got pregnant I would not get an abortion. I never gave Bill the chance for us to have a frank discussion about our sex life let alone what we'd do if something like pregnancy presented happened. Over time I'd learn to bring my concerns to people in my support network first and work it out for myself there before blind-siding a man with whom I was intimately involved.

Needless to say, Bill started pulling away. I could feel it too. We wouldn't get together as often. He planned a trip to the tropics with his buddies and was gone for my birthday. When he got back, I knew things had changed. He had always given me really nice gifts, but this time was different. All that he brought me from his trip was a little souvenir that looked as if he picked it up as an after thought in the airport.

We didn't get together for over a week after he came back. We were going out for my birthday and it seemed like he was going through the motions. I talked to Pat (my life long friend and spiritual advisor) about it and realized that I'd rather let a man go who doesn't want to be with me versus trying to convince him to stay. So I called Bill. When I told him it seemed like he was pulling away he said, "Yeah, we need to talk." But, I was past the stage of wanting to talk. I wasn't happy about the fact that he couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on with him.

Years later I'd realize that I had a lot to do with setting that stage. I wasn't any better at going to him and being able to communicate issues I was having.

~ kalkae