The Banker - Part 2

Wow. I have completely neglected this blog!

I can’t believe that the last time I posted was February. Ugh.

I was consumed with another project and kept telling myself, “I’ll get to posting on my blog. I’ll get to posting on my blog.” Well, here it is almost six months later and I’m posting on my blog! Not good.

So, I am making a commitment to post on this blog at least once a week. True, no one has been reading it – it’s tough getting exposure for an anonymous blog – but I’m finding this blog is helping me as well. It’s very humbling to look back on the experiences I’ve had.

Back to The Banker.

When I was involved with Bill there was only one thing about him that caused me a little bit of concern from time to time: his drinking. He and I didn't do much drinking together. On occasion we'd have a beer. If we went to a party we'd drink a little bit more than usual. However, ever few months Bill would go out with his buddies on a weekend night. I never had a problem with his going out with his friends. I liked to go out with my girlfriends, and, for whatever reason, Bill going out with his friends did not push any insecurity buttons for me.

However, it was the stories he'd tell me after that fact that concerned me. Typically he'd get so drunk that he'd pass out. Once he passed out on a park bench and someone lifted his wallet out of his pocket while he laid there almost comatose. I remember thinking, "That's like the weekend binge drinker." But, I never said anything to Bill. I never addressed it with him. I was too afraid that if I did he'd leave me.

There were other things about Bill that I was unaware of until we broke up. Once I became aware of some of these issues I realized that there were, in fact, clues that were presented to me that I completely ignored. One of those issues was how he treated my friends and co-workers.

Bill was smart. He was always extra, special nice to my roommate who was also my best friend. Whenever he came over he'd say hello to her and chat with her. If he and I were going out to eat he'd always ask her if she wanted to join us. So, he 100% covered his bases there.

With my co-workers and other friends it was a different story. While Bill and I dated we went to a few events that the company for which I worked at the time hosted. One of those events was a Holiday party. Whenever we went to an event we'd hang out together for a while, but I'd also mingle with my friends. I didn't stay glued to Bill's hip, nor did he to mine. He'd often have the one-on-one conversations with people, a number of whom were good friends of mine.

Shortly after Bill and I broke up one of my male friends, Randy approached me at work. Randy and I were good friends, he was a few years younger than me, and he often came to be about his girlfriend issues.

Randy said, "Kim, I need to tell you something." I said, "Okay." He continued, "I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but we're good friends and I need to let you know this." I assured Randy that it was okay to tell me whatever was on his mind. He said, "I'm glad you're not going out with Bill anymore because he was such a jerk to me and a number of other people ..."

I was completely shocked. Randy and I talked about Bill for a few minutes, the kinds of things he said to people, and I apologized to Randy for being clueless. Randy said it was all right. It wasn't my fault, and reiterated that he was glad I wasn't dating Bill anymore. He also admitted that the few times I suggested Bill and I double date with his girlfriend and him he Knew that if we ever did make plans he was going to get out of it somehow - that's how much he couldn't stand being around Bill.

I shook my head about this for a while. As I got honest with myself, I could recall a number of instances that fit with what Randy described. Various times at parties to which I brought Bill I'd see him talking to someone and then they would walk away from him seemingly aggravated or disgusted. To this day I have no clue why Bill behaved that way. Perhaps he was drunk. Perhaps he was feeling insecure and that's how he dealt with his issues. I don't know because, again, I refused to see, let alone acknowledge there was an issue. You see if I refused to acknowledge the issue then I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to deal with the issue. Of course, I wasn't aware that was how I was operating. I was unconscious that my limiting belief that I would be abandoned again was driving me.

~ Kalkae