Part 3: Are You Going To Marry Me?

After Dan and I graduated from business school we both got jobs in the same area where we went to school. We continued to date one another. The relationship wasn't getting any better and at a certain point I grew tired, feeling as if it was a never-ending battle of trying to fit a square peg into a round whole.

I still was not clear on what my part was. Instead, I was focused on what Dan wasn't doing to make the relationship better. So, I had every intention of ending the relationship with Dan. He came over to my place on afternoon and I knew that was when I had to do it. I did not expect Dan to react the way that he did. He basically freaked out - kind of like I would when I was afraid of being abandoned - and proceeded to beg me to stay in the relationship. He said that he wanted to get married, but that he "just needed 6 months of living together to make sure."

I was wary - and weary. However, I agreed. After he left I thought about our situation for a while. I came to terms with a few things for myself. I realized that I wanted to marry a man who was sure about marrying me. I didn't want to marry a man to whom I had to give an ultimatum. I was clear that would always leave a bad taste in my mouth throughout the marriage.

That got me thinking; "Well, what if after 6 months Dan doesn't take the initiative to get down on his hands and knees to propose to you? What are you going to do?" Wow. I was really putting it to myself. I would look back at this conversation that I had with myself and be eternally grateful for it. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was an example of an empowering, nurturing, healthy internal dialogue I was having in support of me.

I told myself that I would give living with Dan a year. The commitment I made with myself was that if after a year Dan did not ask me to marry him, I had to end the relationship and move on with my life. I only shared this with Pat, my trusted spiritual confidant. I did not in any way allude to Dan that this is what I was thinking. I did not tell any of my girlfriends that this was a commitment I made to myself.

At the time I did not know it, but this one agreement I made with myself proved to be one of the first steps that I made in over coming my fear of being abandoned.

~ Kalkae