During most of my time in college, I didn't date a lot. I had a few crushes, but nothing every happened with those guys which was frustrating at times. I'd go to a party, excited to see a certain guy and he'd barely give me the time of day.
The college I attended was relatively small. After a year, the only faces that seemed unfamiliar were the faces of the new, incoming, first year students. But, after about 6 months, their faces even became familiar. So, I knew Jim. I knew his face. But, he and I were never in a class together and we never formerly met. I always thought he was cute and I knew he was a good athlete. As I look back, I can't remember when we met, but I know we started talking to one another because I became friends with Annie, one of his friends.
I can't even remember how Jim and I started fooling around, either. I know that I wasn't taking it too serious because I knew he was involved with someone else, Hannah. The year prior I'd see Jim and Hannah together at parties. I also knew through Annie that Jim was still dating Hannah, however they were rarely together on campus because Hannah graduated the prior year. She did come to visit Jim on occasion, though.
My involvement with Jim started to become strained. I think I rationalized my involvement with him because we weren't having sex, just kissing and engaging in heavy petting. But, my conscious started catching up with me. Then, one day Jim told me that Hannah was coming to visit him.
I still remember where we were when he told me. I was standing at my desk in my dorm room. My desk was positioned right up against the window in this beautiful, brownstone building with hardwood floors and fireplaces. The view out of my window was the grassy quad in the middle of campus. It was a nice, sunny day and my roommates and I had the door to our room propped open to get a nice breeze through the place.
Jim shared a room with another guy in the same building as my room, but on the other side. I was at my desk when Joe appeared at the door. If I hadn't been standing kind of sideways he could have come right up behind me without my even knowing.
It was obvious from his face and his body language that he needed to tell me bad news. He was so sweet and gentle when he told me that Hannah was coming to visit that coming weekend. I wasn't surprised. I knew that eventually this would probably happen. I didn't feel jealous, angry or bitter. I felt bad for Jim and the position I had a part in putting him. I told him that I understood and I assured him that I wouldn't do anything to disrupt his relationship with Hannah. Then he said, "Yeah, I know. But, I don't really want her to come. I want to be with you."
I was really surprised and didn't know what to say or what to feel. Some people may argue that this was a good thing for me. However, I never started seeing Jim with the intention of "it going anywhere." In fact, I was feeling really lousy about myself for even seeing him when he supposedly had a commitment to another woman.
Jim did end it with Hannah. I felt so bad, so much remorse that I told Jim that I needed some time to myself. I told him I wasn't sure about the whole thing. I knew that I liked him a lot, but it just wasn't anything close to an ideal beginning.
So, I did take some time to consider being with Jim. He was very patient. Because we lived in the same building we'd see each other often. He was always nice to me and never pressured me.
~ kalkae
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Choices – Part 2
The first semester of my sophomore year in college went really well. I lived in a dorm that was more centrally located on campus than my freshman year dorm was. I also got out and socialized more. During my freshman year I didn't allow myself to meet many people because I was so focused on studying and my relationship with Tony. I lived a far more balanced life during my sophomore year and even made the Dean's List.
I also had an experience with Art that would later prove to be quit significant for me in my personal development. I met Art during our freshman year. He'd come down to the dorm where I lived to say hello and visit with one of my girlfriends, Mary. He and Mary both grew up in the City and attended the same high school. They had been friends for years and their parents even knew one another. Whenever Art visited Mary would always say after he left, "He's such a great guy."
I'd see Art around during my sophomore year. He was always friendly and down to earth. Somehow, one day he and I ended up doing something together. It all seemed very innocent to me. I thought we were hanging out as friends, just like we had done on a number of occasions with Mary during our freshman year.
However, when he walked me back to my dorm he came up to my room. After awhile we started kissing. I was not sure what was happening, but decided to go along with it. It seemed a bit strange to me, while at the same time almost fun. But, it was as if I wasn't allowing myself to have fun kissing him because I had always thought of him in the context of being "a friend." I also was not the least bit infatuated with him.
The next day, from my dorm room, I could see Art approaching my building. I started to freak out a bit. "Oh my gosh. He's coming to see me." I was really scared. In that moment I realized that he actually liked me. Oh, no. This guy liked me and I didn't have "those feelings" for him.
I have to tell you, this guy was a really great guy. He was far more mature than I was. Of course I didn't realize that at the time. Nor would I realize how great he was until many years later. I was just relieved that he took my rejecting him so well.
He did come up to my room and knock on the door. I answered it and invited him into my room. I was so anxious. I knew I had to somehow tell him that “I didn't like him like that." I did and I'll never forget what he said. Art simply replied, "Oh, okay. That was just a lot of fun yesterday with you. But, that's okay." And he left. Again, I was relieved, only concerned about myself and completely clueless that I just let a really great guy go without even giving him a chance.
After that it was never weird between Art and me. He was completely normal around me whenever we ran into each other on campus. I now suspect that while that experience was a big deal to me it probably wasn't for Art. As I said, he was a lot more mature than I was. He was probably simply checking the situation out with me and probably didn't approach relationships with women as I did with men. Meaning, it probably was about the person for him compared to it being all about the infatuation for me.
Many years later I thought about Art. But, more about that later when the time is right to share that experience with you.
~ kalkae
I also had an experience with Art that would later prove to be quit significant for me in my personal development. I met Art during our freshman year. He'd come down to the dorm where I lived to say hello and visit with one of my girlfriends, Mary. He and Mary both grew up in the City and attended the same high school. They had been friends for years and their parents even knew one another. Whenever Art visited Mary would always say after he left, "He's such a great guy."
I'd see Art around during my sophomore year. He was always friendly and down to earth. Somehow, one day he and I ended up doing something together. It all seemed very innocent to me. I thought we were hanging out as friends, just like we had done on a number of occasions with Mary during our freshman year.
However, when he walked me back to my dorm he came up to my room. After awhile we started kissing. I was not sure what was happening, but decided to go along with it. It seemed a bit strange to me, while at the same time almost fun. But, it was as if I wasn't allowing myself to have fun kissing him because I had always thought of him in the context of being "a friend." I also was not the least bit infatuated with him.
The next day, from my dorm room, I could see Art approaching my building. I started to freak out a bit. "Oh my gosh. He's coming to see me." I was really scared. In that moment I realized that he actually liked me. Oh, no. This guy liked me and I didn't have "those feelings" for him.
I have to tell you, this guy was a really great guy. He was far more mature than I was. Of course I didn't realize that at the time. Nor would I realize how great he was until many years later. I was just relieved that he took my rejecting him so well.
He did come up to my room and knock on the door. I answered it and invited him into my room. I was so anxious. I knew I had to somehow tell him that “I didn't like him like that." I did and I'll never forget what he said. Art simply replied, "Oh, okay. That was just a lot of fun yesterday with you. But, that's okay." And he left. Again, I was relieved, only concerned about myself and completely clueless that I just let a really great guy go without even giving him a chance.
After that it was never weird between Art and me. He was completely normal around me whenever we ran into each other on campus. I now suspect that while that experience was a big deal to me it probably wasn't for Art. As I said, he was a lot more mature than I was. He was probably simply checking the situation out with me and probably didn't approach relationships with women as I did with men. Meaning, it probably was about the person for him compared to it being all about the infatuation for me.
Many years later I thought about Art. But, more about that later when the time is right to share that experience with you.
~ kalkae
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Choices - Part 1
The summer before my senior year in high school, my father, stepmother, brother and I moved out to New Jersey. I was supposed to complete my last year in high school at a new school in New Jersey. But before the school year started my dad sent me back to the West coast to live with my mother an step-father so I could finish high school with all of my friends.
It was a tough year, living with my mother and stepfather. I never quit felt welcomed by my stepfather and again, my mother was consumed with her career. I got by living with them and actually completed high school with honors. But, I felt and obligation to move out to New Jersey and live with my father and stepmother. It was a self-imposed obligation – neither my dad nor stepmother pressured me to move out there. However, I didn't feel I had anywhere else to go.
My dad and I spoke about my uncertainty regarding college. He helped me see the wisdom in taking a year off. I think he always had a lot of faith in me and that I'd always do the right thing. So, I moved back to New Jersey and spent the first month looking for a job and researching small liberal arts colleges on the East coast. I found several I liked and applied to each school.
While I waited to hear whether or not I was accepted into any of the colleges to which I applied I started working. I got a job at one of the local restaurants as a waitress. That's where I met Maria. Maria was about a year older than me and she was the daytime bartender at the restaurant where we worked. I thought she was so much more grown-up than I was. I was about a year shy from being of age to drink alcohol, but somehow I managed to get into the nightclubs.
That's what Maria and I did on Friday and Saturday nights. We went out to the nightclubs. It was fun. I've always liked dancing and there were also boys there. That was a great combination for me. For Maria it was the alcohol and the boys. She was tall, thin, had a beautiful face and gorgeous, thick, long brown hair. So, we did get some attention, but we never got into any trouble.
There was one nightclub that we frequented almost every Friday or Saturday night. I remember seeing this cute Italian guy there a few times. Then, one night he and his friends came over to us and asked us to dance. I thought for sure that he was interested in Maria, but it ended up that he and I danced together most of that evening.
In between dancing we'd talk. His name was Tony and he was a few years older than me. He lived nearby with his parents. His dad owned a construction company and Tony was a roofer. It was hard, physically demanding work and he had the nice, tight body and strong arms to show it. He also wasn't shy about showing me that he liked me. He was very sweet to me and we started dating.
Tony was really the first relationship I had with a man who I think genuinely cared about me. We saw each other a lot, he had me over to dinner with his family, he came over to my house often and knew my parents and we had fun going out dancing on the weekends. When my parents were away on trips (they both worked for the airlines), Tony would stay the night. A few times when his parents were gone for the weekend I stayed the night at his house.
I already knew which college I was going to and when I was going to go by the time I met Tony. Being the romantic that I was I figured that we'd simply continue to see one another even when I went away to school. This wasn't so far fetched of an idea because we actually did.
Tony came up to visit me several times during my first year in college. Whenever I came home for a break we'd see one another. But then, the relationship seemed to start to become strained. I didn't want to admit it, but I was started to loose interest because our worlds were becoming so different. One evening we went into the City to visit some of my college friends who were a couple. I was so infatuated with Tony that it never occurred to me that this get together might be difficult for him. I still don't know if it was or not, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable that evening.
At the same time I was seeing Tony and in my first year of college I was very home sick for the West Coast. I started talking about transferring to a college on the West coast. Tony had visited me enough at school that he became friends with a few of my girlfriends. I was talking to one of my friends one day about the possibility of me transferring to a school on the West coast. I was surprised when she said to me, "Tony was talking to me about you transferring. He said that it bothers him because you don't seem to consider him in the equation at all."
I was shocked. My only response was, "Oh. He's right. I don't."
The relationship with Tony crumbled from that point on. It wasn't anything we talked a lot about either. I am not even sure how we ended it exactly. But I know that I realized that although I was "in love" with Tony I wasn't thinking in terms of a future with him. I know this hurt him. One of the last times I saw Tony was when I was home for a break. We decided to get together and go out dancing. I met him at his house. When I knocked on the door he simply said, "Come in." Prior to that he always answered the door and greeted me as I came into his home.
When I did walk inside his house I didn't even know where he was. I called out for him and it was only then that I could tell he was in his bedroom, lying on his bed. He was acting apathetic to my presence and us going out. We did go out and he spent most of the time at the club talking to a few of the women he'd obviously made friends with over the past few months. I didn't want to admit it to myself that evening, but it was obviously over between Tony and me.
Interestingly enough I did not end up transferring to a college on the West coast. My dad and I talked about the possibility of me transferring. He got me to see the wisdom in trying at least one more semester where I was currently enrolled. He said, "Give it one more try and if you're still unhappy then we’ll do what we need to do to have you transfer out to the West coast ..."
~ kalkae
It was a tough year, living with my mother and stepfather. I never quit felt welcomed by my stepfather and again, my mother was consumed with her career. I got by living with them and actually completed high school with honors. But, I felt and obligation to move out to New Jersey and live with my father and stepmother. It was a self-imposed obligation – neither my dad nor stepmother pressured me to move out there. However, I didn't feel I had anywhere else to go.
My dad and I spoke about my uncertainty regarding college. He helped me see the wisdom in taking a year off. I think he always had a lot of faith in me and that I'd always do the right thing. So, I moved back to New Jersey and spent the first month looking for a job and researching small liberal arts colleges on the East coast. I found several I liked and applied to each school.
While I waited to hear whether or not I was accepted into any of the colleges to which I applied I started working. I got a job at one of the local restaurants as a waitress. That's where I met Maria. Maria was about a year older than me and she was the daytime bartender at the restaurant where we worked. I thought she was so much more grown-up than I was. I was about a year shy from being of age to drink alcohol, but somehow I managed to get into the nightclubs.
That's what Maria and I did on Friday and Saturday nights. We went out to the nightclubs. It was fun. I've always liked dancing and there were also boys there. That was a great combination for me. For Maria it was the alcohol and the boys. She was tall, thin, had a beautiful face and gorgeous, thick, long brown hair. So, we did get some attention, but we never got into any trouble.
There was one nightclub that we frequented almost every Friday or Saturday night. I remember seeing this cute Italian guy there a few times. Then, one night he and his friends came over to us and asked us to dance. I thought for sure that he was interested in Maria, but it ended up that he and I danced together most of that evening.
In between dancing we'd talk. His name was Tony and he was a few years older than me. He lived nearby with his parents. His dad owned a construction company and Tony was a roofer. It was hard, physically demanding work and he had the nice, tight body and strong arms to show it. He also wasn't shy about showing me that he liked me. He was very sweet to me and we started dating.
Tony was really the first relationship I had with a man who I think genuinely cared about me. We saw each other a lot, he had me over to dinner with his family, he came over to my house often and knew my parents and we had fun going out dancing on the weekends. When my parents were away on trips (they both worked for the airlines), Tony would stay the night. A few times when his parents were gone for the weekend I stayed the night at his house.
I already knew which college I was going to and when I was going to go by the time I met Tony. Being the romantic that I was I figured that we'd simply continue to see one another even when I went away to school. This wasn't so far fetched of an idea because we actually did.
Tony came up to visit me several times during my first year in college. Whenever I came home for a break we'd see one another. But then, the relationship seemed to start to become strained. I didn't want to admit it, but I was started to loose interest because our worlds were becoming so different. One evening we went into the City to visit some of my college friends who were a couple. I was so infatuated with Tony that it never occurred to me that this get together might be difficult for him. I still don't know if it was or not, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable that evening.
At the same time I was seeing Tony and in my first year of college I was very home sick for the West Coast. I started talking about transferring to a college on the West coast. Tony had visited me enough at school that he became friends with a few of my girlfriends. I was talking to one of my friends one day about the possibility of me transferring to a school on the West coast. I was surprised when she said to me, "Tony was talking to me about you transferring. He said that it bothers him because you don't seem to consider him in the equation at all."
I was shocked. My only response was, "Oh. He's right. I don't."
The relationship with Tony crumbled from that point on. It wasn't anything we talked a lot about either. I am not even sure how we ended it exactly. But I know that I realized that although I was "in love" with Tony I wasn't thinking in terms of a future with him. I know this hurt him. One of the last times I saw Tony was when I was home for a break. We decided to get together and go out dancing. I met him at his house. When I knocked on the door he simply said, "Come in." Prior to that he always answered the door and greeted me as I came into his home.
When I did walk inside his house I didn't even know where he was. I called out for him and it was only then that I could tell he was in his bedroom, lying on his bed. He was acting apathetic to my presence and us going out. We did go out and he spent most of the time at the club talking to a few of the women he'd obviously made friends with over the past few months. I didn't want to admit it to myself that evening, but it was obviously over between Tony and me.
Interestingly enough I did not end up transferring to a college on the West coast. My dad and I talked about the possibility of me transferring. He got me to see the wisdom in trying at least one more semester where I was currently enrolled. He said, "Give it one more try and if you're still unhappy then we’ll do what we need to do to have you transfer out to the West coast ..."
~ kalkae
Monday, January 4, 2010
A Pattern Starts to Emerge
Before I started high school my dad got married and we moved.We didn't move far, but we did move far enough that I had to go to a different high school than all my friends – kids I'd known since third grade.It was hard. The first few weeks I sat on the benches by myself during lunchtime. Ugh. Then I recognized a girl in one of my classes. We went to the same elementary school until she moved away in fourth or fifth grade. I started hanging out with her and her friends.
I remember all of that very clearly, but I do not remember when I first saw or met Tom. It's strange to me that I don't remember meeting him because I ended up having a serious crush on him for years.
I do remember that Tom and I were in a few of the same classes during our three years in high school. He was so cute. He was tall, athletic, popular, and always very nice to me. However, he seemed to always have a girlfriend. I was intrigued with the kids who were boyfriend-girlfriend in high school. I never was and had no clue how that ever happened between two young people. I think I also romanticized the whole notion of being high school sweethearts.
From time to time Tom would flirt with me too. I loved it when he did. Then, there came a time when he actually did not have a girlfriend. He even asked me to dance with him at one of the school dances. I was thrilled. Then he gave me a ride home from the dance. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
We sat in front of my house in the driveway and kissed. Wow, he kissed really well too. I was hooked. Then my dad came out to "say hi." I didn't think anything of it. My dad was very gregarious and my siblings' friends and mine always seemed to "love my dad." Tom and I said good night and off he drove.
I didn't know where I stood with Tom. When he passed by me during lunch the next school day I couldn't tell if he wanted me to come with him to the concession stand or not. I'd go to watch his games. He gave me a ride home once. But, going out with him just didn't go anywhere. I figured that he never really liked me that much anyway. I also knew that I was nervous around him, so I figured that made him uncomfortable. Years later I came to realize two things:
First, my nervousness around guys that I liked a lot was rooted in my fear of being abandoned and the deep seeded belief that I wasn't good enough.
Second, Tom was afraid of my dad! I discovered this at our 20-year reunion. Tom was there, out of shape and still struggling with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. I'd heard about Tom from time to time over the years and how he was having a difficult time. He was still very nice to me, even flirting with me a bit – as well as a few of the other women.
After the reunion that evening a number of us attended a party that one of our classmates organized. At one point during the party, Tom came up to me and we were chatting a bit. I realized that he was flirting with me, which, to my amazement brought up that giddy high schoolgirl in me. I didn't even think Tom was very cute any more, but the personality was there. I felt we were both catapulted back to our high school years. It was very strange.
Then he said it. He said, "Yeah, you're dad really freaked me out that time I gave you a ride home." I was amazed. I wondered if Tom and I would have kept dating if I my dad had not come out to say hello to us that evening. Did Tom only date girls whose parents weren't the least bit protective? Who knows? It's all speculation.
I didn't respond to what Tom said because I thought, "Well, it was a blessing in disguise that I did not end up with Tom. Here we are 20 years later and he's a mess." But, the interesting thing was that I was at my reunion and after party with my husband. As I stood there judging Tom I was not aware of something that I now know. I ended up marrying someone who had a number of similarities to Tom.
I also ended up marrying someone who I felt the same way as I did about Tom in high school. I even said to my marriage counselor several times that if I knew my husband in high school I would have had a serious crush on him. So, by the time my marriage was falling apart I was well aware of my pattern, but it would take a number of years, a few subsequent relationships and a lot of heartache to come to terms with it.
There was only a short period of time during my high school years that I didn't think a lot about Tom. It was the summer before my senior year when I met Ray. Ray's younger brother and I were classmates. I wasn't a friend with his younger brother, but I knew him. Ray's younger brother was a cool surfer and a lot of the girls had a crush on him.
I met Ray one evening when he and two of his friends came into the Baskin Robbins where I worked. That evening, like most shifts that I worked at Baskin Robbins I was working with Tammy. Tammy and I went to high school together and she was instrumental in my getting the job at Baskin Robbins.
Working at Baskin Robbins was fun. It was hard work scooping ice cream when the shop was crowded. But, all in all, working there was fun. There was a pizza place next door and this area of town was where all the high school kids hung out on the weekends.
It was obvious when Ray and his two friends came in that evening that one of his friends, Brad, came to see Tammy. Now, these were "older boys" who were already out of high school. But, I wasn't surprised Brad came into the shop to see Tammy. She was really pretty. She was tall; thin, had blue eyes, olive complexion, and sun streaked hair. Tammy and I had a lot of fun too. I really enjoyed the times we had working together at Baskin Robbins.
So, here were these three older boys, sitting at the Baskin Robbins while Tammy and I worked. Brad was very outgoing and talked to Tammy whenever she wasn't serving a customer. Ray and their other friend were pretty quiet and just sat at a table and hung out.
They ended up giving us a ride home that night. I sat next to Ray in the car. I remember glancing at him at one point and having the casual thought, "He's got a cute profile." But, I never thought much about him after that. It never occurred to me that he liked me. I mean, he was an older boy and I was just this little peon, high school girl. Well, I was wrong. It's only now, as I write this that I realize that was another one of my patterns – never considering that "a guy like that" would like me.
Ray did like me, but he was shy. He and his buddies would come to see Tammy and me a few more times before I found out that he liked me. I didn't find that out directly from him. I found it out from Tammy. It's all so "high school" huh?
We started dating. I became infatuated with Ray very quickly. He didn't have his own car, so getting together was always based upon him using his parent's car. At first it didn't seem to be a difficult thing for Ray to borrow the car. We'd go to the movies, he'd come over to my house, or he'd come and pick me up and we'd go to his house.
Ray didn't have a job, attended Jr College part time, played baseball for the JC and lived at home. He often didn't have money and when he wanted it he'd manage to do some type of chore like detailing his uncle's car to get some cash. But, wow was he cute. He was 100% "my type." Athletic, cute, surfer-type. I loved making out with him and after a few months I decided that it was okay if we "went all the way."
While I didn't know it then, by the time we did have sex the relationship was already doomed. Here was my pattern emerging again. I was involved with a guy who wasn't a very motivated individual and rather than see it for what it was I tried to make it into something that it wasn't. Getting together began to seem like less and less of a priority to Ray and I started complaining and whining.
I'm sure it was very unpleasant for Ray to sit on the phone and listen to me whine about how he wasn't doing this and he wasn't doing that. However, at the time not only did I not have any type of skills to handle the situation, I was completely unaware of the issues I had that were driving my behavior and me. Again, deep down I didn't think I was worthy of having this older, good-looking guy from a popular family interested in me in the first place. Then, on top of that I was unconsciously dealing with my fear of being abandoned by this guy.
The relationship ended when I initiated a conversation with Ray about "us." In initiating the conversation my intention was to work it out some how. But, to my surprise the relationship was over after the conversation. It was as if he was looking for an opening to end it and as soon as one appeared he took it.
I was really upset and actually got quit depressed. I went round and round in my head about what must have happened. This all took place over the course of the summer. Now the little fantasy I had of being with Ray during my senior year in high school was shot. Gone. I felt worthless and completely abandoned.
While I took it all on, feeling like he didn't want to go out with me anymore because I wasn't good enough, I was also 100% unaware of how I created the entire situation. But, how many 17 year olds have enough self-awareness to see what their part is in any situation? Not many. Like most people I had to live life in order to learn from it. But, eventually I did learn a lot about myself by looking back on this brief, yet significant experience that I had with Ray.
~ kalkae
I remember all of that very clearly, but I do not remember when I first saw or met Tom. It's strange to me that I don't remember meeting him because I ended up having a serious crush on him for years.
I do remember that Tom and I were in a few of the same classes during our three years in high school. He was so cute. He was tall, athletic, popular, and always very nice to me. However, he seemed to always have a girlfriend. I was intrigued with the kids who were boyfriend-girlfriend in high school. I never was and had no clue how that ever happened between two young people. I think I also romanticized the whole notion of being high school sweethearts.
From time to time Tom would flirt with me too. I loved it when he did. Then, there came a time when he actually did not have a girlfriend. He even asked me to dance with him at one of the school dances. I was thrilled. Then he gave me a ride home from the dance. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
We sat in front of my house in the driveway and kissed. Wow, he kissed really well too. I was hooked. Then my dad came out to "say hi." I didn't think anything of it. My dad was very gregarious and my siblings' friends and mine always seemed to "love my dad." Tom and I said good night and off he drove.
I didn't know where I stood with Tom. When he passed by me during lunch the next school day I couldn't tell if he wanted me to come with him to the concession stand or not. I'd go to watch his games. He gave me a ride home once. But, going out with him just didn't go anywhere. I figured that he never really liked me that much anyway. I also knew that I was nervous around him, so I figured that made him uncomfortable. Years later I came to realize two things:
First, my nervousness around guys that I liked a lot was rooted in my fear of being abandoned and the deep seeded belief that I wasn't good enough.
Second, Tom was afraid of my dad! I discovered this at our 20-year reunion. Tom was there, out of shape and still struggling with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. I'd heard about Tom from time to time over the years and how he was having a difficult time. He was still very nice to me, even flirting with me a bit – as well as a few of the other women.
After the reunion that evening a number of us attended a party that one of our classmates organized. At one point during the party, Tom came up to me and we were chatting a bit. I realized that he was flirting with me, which, to my amazement brought up that giddy high schoolgirl in me. I didn't even think Tom was very cute any more, but the personality was there. I felt we were both catapulted back to our high school years. It was very strange.
Then he said it. He said, "Yeah, you're dad really freaked me out that time I gave you a ride home." I was amazed. I wondered if Tom and I would have kept dating if I my dad had not come out to say hello to us that evening. Did Tom only date girls whose parents weren't the least bit protective? Who knows? It's all speculation.
I didn't respond to what Tom said because I thought, "Well, it was a blessing in disguise that I did not end up with Tom. Here we are 20 years later and he's a mess." But, the interesting thing was that I was at my reunion and after party with my husband. As I stood there judging Tom I was not aware of something that I now know. I ended up marrying someone who had a number of similarities to Tom.
I also ended up marrying someone who I felt the same way as I did about Tom in high school. I even said to my marriage counselor several times that if I knew my husband in high school I would have had a serious crush on him. So, by the time my marriage was falling apart I was well aware of my pattern, but it would take a number of years, a few subsequent relationships and a lot of heartache to come to terms with it.
There was only a short period of time during my high school years that I didn't think a lot about Tom. It was the summer before my senior year when I met Ray. Ray's younger brother and I were classmates. I wasn't a friend with his younger brother, but I knew him. Ray's younger brother was a cool surfer and a lot of the girls had a crush on him.
I met Ray one evening when he and two of his friends came into the Baskin Robbins where I worked. That evening, like most shifts that I worked at Baskin Robbins I was working with Tammy. Tammy and I went to high school together and she was instrumental in my getting the job at Baskin Robbins.
Working at Baskin Robbins was fun. It was hard work scooping ice cream when the shop was crowded. But, all in all, working there was fun. There was a pizza place next door and this area of town was where all the high school kids hung out on the weekends.
It was obvious when Ray and his two friends came in that evening that one of his friends, Brad, came to see Tammy. Now, these were "older boys" who were already out of high school. But, I wasn't surprised Brad came into the shop to see Tammy. She was really pretty. She was tall; thin, had blue eyes, olive complexion, and sun streaked hair. Tammy and I had a lot of fun too. I really enjoyed the times we had working together at Baskin Robbins.
So, here were these three older boys, sitting at the Baskin Robbins while Tammy and I worked. Brad was very outgoing and talked to Tammy whenever she wasn't serving a customer. Ray and their other friend were pretty quiet and just sat at a table and hung out.
They ended up giving us a ride home that night. I sat next to Ray in the car. I remember glancing at him at one point and having the casual thought, "He's got a cute profile." But, I never thought much about him after that. It never occurred to me that he liked me. I mean, he was an older boy and I was just this little peon, high school girl. Well, I was wrong. It's only now, as I write this that I realize that was another one of my patterns – never considering that "a guy like that" would like me.
Ray did like me, but he was shy. He and his buddies would come to see Tammy and me a few more times before I found out that he liked me. I didn't find that out directly from him. I found it out from Tammy. It's all so "high school" huh?
We started dating. I became infatuated with Ray very quickly. He didn't have his own car, so getting together was always based upon him using his parent's car. At first it didn't seem to be a difficult thing for Ray to borrow the car. We'd go to the movies, he'd come over to my house, or he'd come and pick me up and we'd go to his house.
Ray didn't have a job, attended Jr College part time, played baseball for the JC and lived at home. He often didn't have money and when he wanted it he'd manage to do some type of chore like detailing his uncle's car to get some cash. But, wow was he cute. He was 100% "my type." Athletic, cute, surfer-type. I loved making out with him and after a few months I decided that it was okay if we "went all the way."
While I didn't know it then, by the time we did have sex the relationship was already doomed. Here was my pattern emerging again. I was involved with a guy who wasn't a very motivated individual and rather than see it for what it was I tried to make it into something that it wasn't. Getting together began to seem like less and less of a priority to Ray and I started complaining and whining.
I'm sure it was very unpleasant for Ray to sit on the phone and listen to me whine about how he wasn't doing this and he wasn't doing that. However, at the time not only did I not have any type of skills to handle the situation, I was completely unaware of the issues I had that were driving my behavior and me. Again, deep down I didn't think I was worthy of having this older, good-looking guy from a popular family interested in me in the first place. Then, on top of that I was unconsciously dealing with my fear of being abandoned by this guy.
The relationship ended when I initiated a conversation with Ray about "us." In initiating the conversation my intention was to work it out some how. But, to my surprise the relationship was over after the conversation. It was as if he was looking for an opening to end it and as soon as one appeared he took it.
I was really upset and actually got quit depressed. I went round and round in my head about what must have happened. This all took place over the course of the summer. Now the little fantasy I had of being with Ray during my senior year in high school was shot. Gone. I felt worthless and completely abandoned.
While I took it all on, feeling like he didn't want to go out with me anymore because I wasn't good enough, I was also 100% unaware of how I created the entire situation. But, how many 17 year olds have enough self-awareness to see what their part is in any situation? Not many. Like most people I had to live life in order to learn from it. But, eventually I did learn a lot about myself by looking back on this brief, yet significant experience that I had with Ray.
~ kalkae
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Stage Is Set
Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. I have a very nice holiday, spending it with my three children and my boyfriend.
The past year flew by quickly. When I take a glance at 2009 I see a lot of changes that took place in my life. This time last year I was dating a different man. I was not nearly as compatible and did not have nearly as much fun with him compared to the man I am currently dating. My kids have grown and matured a bit over the past year. All three of them are precious and wonderful in their own, unique ways. I also have a new job, one that I enjoy going to every day.
I am grateful.
But, my post today to my "Dating By Attraction" blog is not meant to be about remembering 2009. I am posting to my blog today to share with you more of my story as a single mother over 40 who is dating. It's a story about a woman learning about men, women and herself.
I'm giving this post the title "The Stage Is Set." I think you'll see why I gave it that title by the time you're finished reading this post.
The Stage Is Set
It was when I was a young adult that I started becoming aware of my issue with abandonment. Since that time I've often thought having that issue was odd. Why? Because my dad never, technically, abandoned us. I didn't really care if my mother was around or not. However, I've come to understand that why a person has certain issues/fears/hang ups is not, necessarily, logical.
I've come to know that as a little girl I felt abandoned simply because my dad wasn't around much. I'm also quit certain now that even though "I didn't care if my mother was around or not" I was still affected by her lack of interest in me, her daughter.
My issue with abandonment first reared its ugly head towards the end of Jr High. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go roller-skating one Friday night. We had so much fun we went the following Friday night as well. This soon became a regular Friday night outing for us. We started getting to know the crowd that hung out at the rink – the people that worked there, the professional skaters, and even some people who didn't skate but showed up there every weekend.
It was a fun time and innocent on my girlfriend's and my part. One of the older guys even took us under his wing as his pseudo little sisters. He really watched out for us. Soon my girlfriend and I were spending every Friday and Saturday nights down at the rink. Sometimes we'd even go to the rink on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Our "big brother" would take us to some of the competitions too. I loved watching the people I knew compete and win.
And there was Will. Will was one of the floor guards. I really didn't think much of Will. He was one of the people down at the rink that I knew. In fact, my girlfriend and I actually had a crush on the other floor guard – all the girls did because he was really cute. But, the floor guards were "older" and while we had our little crush it never entered my mind that either of them would be the least bit interested in us – little Jr High girls. I mean, I even had braces: big honking metal brackets and wires all over my mouth!
Well, I was wrong. I was walking home from school one afternoon when I looked up and saw Will in his car on the side street I was about to cross. It was so unexpected. It didn't feel creepy or anything. But, it was kind of strange to see him there. He gave me a ride home and it didn't seem like anything to me. It never occurred to me that he liked me.
After the ride home from school, whenever I went to the rink, Will grabbed my hand during the couples skating. I remember how he didn't like holding hands finger locked. We had to hold hands in what I considered to be "the old fashioned way." Still, my thinking was along the lines of, "Okay, no big deal. I'm just skating with this guy."
Then Will gave me a ride home one night after skating. I still didn't think much of it. I still wasn't thinking, "Oh, I like this guy." In fact, since he was older I felt a bit intimidated. I suppose I realized that he liked me, but it wasn't an awareness I had that was in the forefront of my conscience.
When we got to my house he parked out front. I'd never had an experience like this before. All the other boys I had dated didn't drive. We'd either hang out at school, or take the bus somewhere. This felt so grown-up to me and I really didn't know what to do.
Then, before I knew it we were kissing. It was a kiss like I had never had before. This guy had me in his arms and was practically engulfing me in his kiss with so much passion it blew me away. I just didn't know what to think. I remember getting out of the car and walking inside completely blown away. While lying in bed I realized that I really liked how he kissed me. It was incredible. I also realized that all the kissing I'd done up until that point simply wasn't really kissing!
Will become my first infatuation and our romance never went much further than that one kiss. That wasn't my choice. Truth be told I think I was far too nervous around him and that was probably a turn off to him. However I was really stuck on this guy for another year or so – until I moved to a nearby town and didn't see my girlfriend as much. Because I moved, going to the rink every Friday and Saturday night became less and less of an option.
But, the stage was set with the experience I had with Will. While I wasn't aware of it then, I was setting the stage of equating infatuation with love.
~ kalkae
The past year flew by quickly. When I take a glance at 2009 I see a lot of changes that took place in my life. This time last year I was dating a different man. I was not nearly as compatible and did not have nearly as much fun with him compared to the man I am currently dating. My kids have grown and matured a bit over the past year. All three of them are precious and wonderful in their own, unique ways. I also have a new job, one that I enjoy going to every day.
I am grateful.
But, my post today to my "Dating By Attraction" blog is not meant to be about remembering 2009. I am posting to my blog today to share with you more of my story as a single mother over 40 who is dating. It's a story about a woman learning about men, women and herself.
I'm giving this post the title "The Stage Is Set." I think you'll see why I gave it that title by the time you're finished reading this post.
The Stage Is Set
It was when I was a young adult that I started becoming aware of my issue with abandonment. Since that time I've often thought having that issue was odd. Why? Because my dad never, technically, abandoned us. I didn't really care if my mother was around or not. However, I've come to understand that why a person has certain issues/fears/hang ups is not, necessarily, logical.
I've come to know that as a little girl I felt abandoned simply because my dad wasn't around much. I'm also quit certain now that even though "I didn't care if my mother was around or not" I was still affected by her lack of interest in me, her daughter.
My issue with abandonment first reared its ugly head towards the end of Jr High. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go roller-skating one Friday night. We had so much fun we went the following Friday night as well. This soon became a regular Friday night outing for us. We started getting to know the crowd that hung out at the rink – the people that worked there, the professional skaters, and even some people who didn't skate but showed up there every weekend.
It was a fun time and innocent on my girlfriend's and my part. One of the older guys even took us under his wing as his pseudo little sisters. He really watched out for us. Soon my girlfriend and I were spending every Friday and Saturday nights down at the rink. Sometimes we'd even go to the rink on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Our "big brother" would take us to some of the competitions too. I loved watching the people I knew compete and win.
And there was Will. Will was one of the floor guards. I really didn't think much of Will. He was one of the people down at the rink that I knew. In fact, my girlfriend and I actually had a crush on the other floor guard – all the girls did because he was really cute. But, the floor guards were "older" and while we had our little crush it never entered my mind that either of them would be the least bit interested in us – little Jr High girls. I mean, I even had braces: big honking metal brackets and wires all over my mouth!
Well, I was wrong. I was walking home from school one afternoon when I looked up and saw Will in his car on the side street I was about to cross. It was so unexpected. It didn't feel creepy or anything. But, it was kind of strange to see him there. He gave me a ride home and it didn't seem like anything to me. It never occurred to me that he liked me.
After the ride home from school, whenever I went to the rink, Will grabbed my hand during the couples skating. I remember how he didn't like holding hands finger locked. We had to hold hands in what I considered to be "the old fashioned way." Still, my thinking was along the lines of, "Okay, no big deal. I'm just skating with this guy."
Then Will gave me a ride home one night after skating. I still didn't think much of it. I still wasn't thinking, "Oh, I like this guy." In fact, since he was older I felt a bit intimidated. I suppose I realized that he liked me, but it wasn't an awareness I had that was in the forefront of my conscience.
When we got to my house he parked out front. I'd never had an experience like this before. All the other boys I had dated didn't drive. We'd either hang out at school, or take the bus somewhere. This felt so grown-up to me and I really didn't know what to do.
Then, before I knew it we were kissing. It was a kiss like I had never had before. This guy had me in his arms and was practically engulfing me in his kiss with so much passion it blew me away. I just didn't know what to think. I remember getting out of the car and walking inside completely blown away. While lying in bed I realized that I really liked how he kissed me. It was incredible. I also realized that all the kissing I'd done up until that point simply wasn't really kissing!
Will become my first infatuation and our romance never went much further than that one kiss. That wasn't my choice. Truth be told I think I was far too nervous around him and that was probably a turn off to him. However I was really stuck on this guy for another year or so – until I moved to a nearby town and didn't see my girlfriend as much. Because I moved, going to the rink every Friday and Saturday night became less and less of an option.
But, the stage was set with the experience I had with Will. While I wasn't aware of it then, I was setting the stage of equating infatuation with love.
~ kalkae
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