Dating By Attraction

Part 3: Are You Going To Marry Me?

2010-10-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

After Dan and I graduated from business school we both got jobs in the same area where we went to school. We continued to date one another. The relationship wasn't getting any better and at a certain point I grew tired, feeling as if it was a never-ending battle of trying to fit a square peg into a round whole.

I still was not clear on what my part was. Instead, I was focused on what Dan wasn't doing to make the relationship better. So, I had every intention of ending the relationship with Dan. He came over to my place on afternoon and I knew that was when I had to do it. I did not expect Dan to react the way that he did. He basically freaked out - kind of like I would when I was afraid of being abandoned - and proceeded to beg me to stay in the relationship. He said that he wanted to get married, but that he "just needed 6 months of living together to make sure."

I was wary - and weary. However, I agreed. After he left I thought about our situation for a while. I came to terms with a few things for myself. I realized that I wanted to marry a man who was sure about marrying me. I didn't want to marry a man to whom I had to give an ultimatum. I was clear that would always leave a bad taste in my mouth throughout the marriage.

That got me thinking; "Well, what if after 6 months Dan doesn't take the initiative to get down on his hands and knees to propose to you? What are you going to do?" Wow. I was really putting it to myself. I would look back at this conversation that I had with myself and be eternally grateful for it. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was an example of an empowering, nurturing, healthy internal dialogue I was having in support of me.

I told myself that I would give living with Dan a year. The commitment I made with myself was that if after a year Dan did not ask me to marry him, I had to end the relationship and move on with my life. I only shared this with Pat, my trusted spiritual confidant. I did not in any way allude to Dan that this is what I was thinking. I did not tell any of my girlfriends that this was a commitment I made to myself.

At the time I did not know it, but this one agreement I made with myself proved to be one of the first steps that I made in over coming my fear of being abandoned.

~ Kalkae

Part 2: Are You Going To Marry Me?

2010-10-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

After Dan and I had gone out on a few dates together, we were at one of our fellow student's place watching movies. There was a whole group of us there. When it was time to go, Dan and I walked out together and when we got to our cars I figured we were going to kiss and smooch a little before we said good night. We did, but in the middle of smooching Dan started to try and tell me something. He was expressing his uncertainty in he and I dating. I did not give any validation to what he was trying to tell me. I simply did the best job I could to talk him out of he and I doing anything but dating one another.

Years later as I looked back at where things went wrong with Dan, I realized that I could have handled that conversation with him differently. Instead of discounting his feeling, I could have given him room to express them. However, at the time I couldn't because my abandonment issues still had quit a hold on me. Because of my fears and limiting beliefs and because I had locked myself and Dan into the relationship without allowing us to explore what being together would be like, I could not contribute in a healthy way to the relationship.

It just got worse and we dated for three years. I became more and more insecure. I would actually chase Dan down if I saw him leaving school and "by passing" me. I was baffled by his behavior and felt so out of control at times. Here was a guy that started to ask me every so often, "So, are you going to marry me?" yet at the same time would flirt with other women in front of me and sometimes avoid me in public.

If you're asking yourself, "Why the heck did you stay with him?" then good for you, because that's just the point. The answer to that question has everything to do with what was not healed within me. If I was whole, healthy, and had a good sense of myself, I would have given Dan room to decide if he wanted to be involved with me that night he was trying to share his feeling with me. I would have been able to do with Dan what Art did with me years ago.

However, I had not connected all of those dots yet and instead I kept "trying to make it work" because the idea of it ending terrified me. I would get anxiety attacks. There were times when these anxiety attacks would happen when I was around Dan. Being on the receiving end of my anxiety attacks was not fun for Dan. On a certain level I knew this even then. However, I couldn't stop it. Simply put it was just a lot of drama.

~ Kalkae

Part 1: Are You Going To Marry Me?

2010-09-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

There was no question about it graduate school was tough. I was twenty-six years old and in my first year of business school. Several months prior I quit my job back East, packed up all my stuff (whatever didn't fit in my car I either gave away or sold) and headed to the West coast to get settled in before my first semester of business school started.

We already had an assignment to complete before we started school. It was for our "Human Behavior In Organizations" course. We were to read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I had read the book a few years ago, but read it again. There were many things that Peck wrote in his book that made a lot of sense to me. He also spoke about principles by which I wanted to strive to live. One, in particular, stuck out for me. It went something like this: as you become healthier you'll actually choose to get out of relationships simply because they are not working and without having to create and experience any drama.

Now, let me add that is how I remember the point. I found the concept intriguing. I thought, "You mean, people actually choose to get out of relationships and have 'easy' break-ups?" Hmmm. It was such a foreign concept to me. I also remember thinking; "There is no way I could end a relationship with someone I liked a lot. It would be like tearing myself away from the person." Obviously I didn't get it. However, Peck's principles did stick with me, in the far recesses of my unconscious.

Enter Dan. Before starting grad school I gave myself this "wonderful" assignment of not dating anyone for a year. In hindsight it was actually a good idea. Again, graduate school was demanding. Starting a relationship in addition to getting through graduate school wasn't very smart. Well, at least for someone like me who had no clue how to have a healthy relationship with a man.

It was obvious from the beginning that Dan had a crush on me. He'd make it known in subtle ways. I, on the other hand, was not attracted to him and also made it known that I wasn't dating for a year.

Dan and I became friends.

One day, in between classes, Dan came and sat down next to me on the couch where I was sitting. He said, "Do we really have to wait until March?" I looked at him with an expression that said, "What are you talking about?" But, the conversation didn't go any further because someone else came up to us and started another conversation.

Later that day I realized what Dan meant. Essentially he was asking me out. So, I started thinking about it. I thought, "Well, maybe this is the right thing to do. We're friends. I'm not particularly attracted to Dan. He's a nice guy. We have a lot in common, especially grad school." I even spoke about the possibility of dating Dan with one of my girlfriends who was in the same program as Dan and I. She said, "Well, he does have a nice body." Dan did. He worked out regularly and took good care of himself. In fact, he was one of the guys with whom I went running several times a week. There was a lot about Dan to like and I found that I was talking myself into liking him.

Without realizing it, I was talking myself into a lot more than simply liking Dan. Meaning, I'd come to realize, years later, that by our first date I essentially had us getting married some day. Because I wasn't aware of the intensity at which I approached the relationship, I couldn't understand how this guy who professed to be so crazy about me, started backing away shortly after we started dating ...

~ Kalkae

The Banker - Part 3

2010-08-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

There was one issue that I had that I did bring out into the open with Bill. However, in hindsight I realized it was really an act of sabotage on my part.

With the form of birth control I chose to use there was a small percentage of a chance that I could get pregnant. I couldn't let this go, despite the fact that Bill used condoms too. In reality the odds of me getting pregnant were extremely remote. But, I had to talk about it and in such a way that contributed to the demise of the relationship.

I brought up the subject. However, because I lacked the ability to communicate effectively with a man with whom I was intimately involved, I basically made my stand. Meaning, I brought the subject up, but we never had an open, frank discussion, because I rushed to make my point. The point I made was that if I did get pregnant I would not have an abortion.

Now, picture it. I'm dating this guy who is well on his way in his career, waiting to receive his paperwork so he can apply to one of the top business schools in the country, we're at dinner and I basically announce that if I got pregnant I would not get an abortion. I never gave Bill the chance for us to have a frank discussion about our sex life let alone what we'd do if something like pregnancy presented happened. Over time I'd learn to bring my concerns to people in my support network first and work it out for myself there before blind-siding a man with whom I was intimately involved.

Needless to say, Bill started pulling away. I could feel it too. We wouldn't get together as often. He planned a trip to the tropics with his buddies and was gone for my birthday. When he got back, I knew things had changed. He had always given me really nice gifts, but this time was different. All that he brought me from his trip was a little souvenir that looked as if he picked it up as an after thought in the airport.

We didn't get together for over a week after he came back. We were going out for my birthday and it seemed like he was going through the motions. I talked to Pat (my life long friend and spiritual advisor) about it and realized that I'd rather let a man go who doesn't want to be with me versus trying to convince him to stay. So I called Bill. When I told him it seemed like he was pulling away he said, "Yeah, we need to talk." But, I was past the stage of wanting to talk. I wasn't happy about the fact that he couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on with him.

Years later I'd realize that I had a lot to do with setting that stage. I wasn't any better at going to him and being able to communicate issues I was having.

~ kalkae

The Banker - Part 2

2010-08-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

Wow. I have completely neglected this blog!

I can’t believe that the last time I posted was February. Ugh.

I was consumed with another project and kept telling myself, “I’ll get to posting on my blog. I’ll get to posting on my blog.” Well, here it is almost six months later and I’m posting on my blog! Not good.

So, I am making a commitment to post on this blog at least once a week. True, no one has been reading it – it’s tough getting exposure for an anonymous blog – but I’m finding this blog is helping me as well. It’s very humbling to look back on the experiences I’ve had.

Back to The Banker.

When I was involved with Bill there was only one thing about him that caused me a little bit of concern from time to time: his drinking. He and I didn't do much drinking together. On occasion we'd have a beer. If we went to a party we'd drink a little bit more than usual. However, ever few months Bill would go out with his buddies on a weekend night. I never had a problem with his going out with his friends. I liked to go out with my girlfriends, and, for whatever reason, Bill going out with his friends did not push any insecurity buttons for me.

However, it was the stories he'd tell me after that fact that concerned me. Typically he'd get so drunk that he'd pass out. Once he passed out on a park bench and someone lifted his wallet out of his pocket while he laid there almost comatose. I remember thinking, "That's like the weekend binge drinker." But, I never said anything to Bill. I never addressed it with him. I was too afraid that if I did he'd leave me.

There were other things about Bill that I was unaware of until we broke up. Once I became aware of some of these issues I realized that there were, in fact, clues that were presented to me that I completely ignored. One of those issues was how he treated my friends and co-workers.

Bill was smart. He was always extra, special nice to my roommate who was also my best friend. Whenever he came over he'd say hello to her and chat with her. If he and I were going out to eat he'd always ask her if she wanted to join us. So, he 100% covered his bases there.

With my co-workers and other friends it was a different story. While Bill and I dated we went to a few events that the company for which I worked at the time hosted. One of those events was a Holiday party. Whenever we went to an event we'd hang out together for a while, but I'd also mingle with my friends. I didn't stay glued to Bill's hip, nor did he to mine. He'd often have the one-on-one conversations with people, a number of whom were good friends of mine.

Shortly after Bill and I broke up one of my male friends, Randy approached me at work. Randy and I were good friends, he was a few years younger than me, and he often came to be about his girlfriend issues.

Randy said, "Kim, I need to tell you something." I said, "Okay." He continued, "I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but we're good friends and I need to let you know this." I assured Randy that it was okay to tell me whatever was on his mind. He said, "I'm glad you're not going out with Bill anymore because he was such a jerk to me and a number of other people ..."

I was completely shocked. Randy and I talked about Bill for a few minutes, the kinds of things he said to people, and I apologized to Randy for being clueless. Randy said it was all right. It wasn't my fault, and reiterated that he was glad I wasn't dating Bill anymore. He also admitted that the few times I suggested Bill and I double date with his girlfriend and him he Knew that if we ever did make plans he was going to get out of it somehow - that's how much he couldn't stand being around Bill.

I shook my head about this for a while. As I got honest with myself, I could recall a number of instances that fit with what Randy described. Various times at parties to which I brought Bill I'd see him talking to someone and then they would walk away from him seemingly aggravated or disgusted. To this day I have no clue why Bill behaved that way. Perhaps he was drunk. Perhaps he was feeling insecure and that's how he dealt with his issues. I don't know because, again, I refused to see, let alone acknowledge there was an issue. You see if I refused to acknowledge the issue then I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to deal with the issue. Of course, I wasn't aware that was how I was operating. I was unconscious that my limiting belief that I would be abandoned again was driving me.

~ Kalkae

The Banker - Part 1

2010-02-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Bill and I met at a club. What a fun evening. My girlfriend and I danced with Bill and his friends most of the night. I never drank much alcohol, my stomach couldn't take it, so when we left I didn't think twice about driving my girlfriend and myself home. Bill and one of his buddies walked us to our car. Until then I didn't notice that Bill was drunk.

When we got to our car Bill and I ended up kissing. I still remember what a great kiss it was too. But, I knew he was pretty wasted, so I wasn't surprised when I never heard from him.

Months later, my girlfriend and I were at the same club and, what do you know, there was Bill with his buddies. We said hello and Bill and I ended up sitting at the bar for a while. I wasn't enjoying the conversation at first because he kept saying, "Oh, I should have called you." Then I said, "Call or don't call. Either way is fine." I meant it. He stopped being remorseful and we then had a nice evening dancing.

You see, aside from historically making poor choices in men for myself, the meeting and greeting part of a getting to know a man became easy for me. However, once I started investing myself emotionally, things became more difficult for me. It was no different with Bill.

Bill was the first "accomplished" guy that I dated seriously. At a young age he was a Vice President at one of the most well known banks in the area. He graduated from a reputable college, made good money, owned his own condo, and drove a nice car. This was all new to me. It was nice, but wasn't nearly as important to me as the fact that I was physically attracted to him and becoming deeply infatuated with him.

I was a young twenty-something and not thinking in terms of marriage. I knew that someday I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't have any type of a timeline in mind. So, when Bill made a comment at one point about something that started with, "Yeah, if we get married ..." it was quit surprising to me. I didn't read much into it, except that he was at least thinking in those terms.

While that kind of a comment, coming form one’s boyfriend, would make a lot of women feel more secure, it actually feed my brewing insecurity more. As Bill and I continued to date regularly, I grew more and more insecure. When I met his mother, and Bill said, "Wow, my mom really likes you," my insecurity increased.

Remember that my insecurity was rooted in the fear of being abandoned. I was aware of the issue by this point because I'd actually go into anxiety attacks. Now, I wouldn't have anxiety attacks around Bill, but I certainly had them when he wasn't around. I'd call my spiritual mentor Pat, a loving supportive woman who got to know me a few years back, and she'd help me get centered again. I was just so afraid of screwing things up and being rejected. I kept doing the best that I could.

My issue with being abandoned did me a disservice in another way too. It kept me from seeing the reality of situations. In the future I'd look back at my relationship with Bill and see how clearly this was the case with him. I was so focused on myself, in a needy, self-centered way, that I wasn't doing what a healthy person does: assess whether or not this person was even a good fit for me. So, as you can see, my inability to make a good choice and my fear of being abandoned were intertwined.

~ kalkae

My Alcoholic Sweetheart - Part 2

2010-02-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

After processing it for a while I decided that I did want to date Jim. We started seeing one another again. Because there was so much chemistry and, judging from the amount of heavy petting and kissing we were doing before, I thought it was probably going to lead to sex. I had only had sex a hand full of times before, a few times with Ray and hand full of times with Tony, so I was a bit apprehensive and afraid.

I was afraid of talking about it with Jim and I was afraid of getting pregnant. I didn't trust relying solely on condoms and I was afraid of getting fat if I went on the birth control pill. I did muster up enough courage to talk to Jim about sex. He was really great about talking with me about it. I did see a doctor and got birth control and Jim and I started having sex. He really was my first lover. He was great. We spent many times together before actually having intercourse because he wanted to make me come first. Where he learned what he knew I have no idea, but he was a wonderful, considerate, gentle lover who showed me, a young woman, what it's like to have a clitoral orgasm.

Wow, it was great and he did that for me often. I didn't talk about my sex life a lot with my girlfriends, but I came to find out over the years through reading and hearing other women talk about sex, that I was pretty lucky. Jim really was the man in my life that enabled me to let go and be more open during lovemaking.

Jim and I dated for almost a year after we graduated. We lived almost 300 miles from one another, but he would come to visit me and I would go and visit him at least once a month. Jim was great and I cared a lot about him, but he always drank a lot too.

We were at a party that the company I worked for at the time was having. I invited Joe and he came up to attend it with me. Several of my friends were there too. At one point my friends and I were talking about a one-day skiing trip that I had won as an employee recognition gift. I was going to take one of my roommates. A little bit later in the evening, Jim asked me about the skiing trip. I told him about it and he was upset that I didn't ask him to go. I was surprised. In all the time we'd been together I didn't see him get upset about anything, really, let a lone a trip to go skiing for a day.

The whole thing caught me off guard. I had not thought about taking Jim. I don't even know why I didn't. I had no idea how to handle the situation, but I do remember how the conversation ended, because what Jim said left a pit at the bottom of my stomach. He raised his drink up a little and said, "That's okay. I've got my gin and tonic. That's all I need." I remember thinking, "Well, that's not good." But, true to my style of not handling things, I brushed it aside. However, when I ended the relationship with Jim about 6 months later, I could look back and see that his drinking had a lot to do with why I didn't want to be with him anymore.

True to Jim's style, he was even very sweet about the break up. He simply said, "Oh. Okay. I'm going to miss your face." I haven't seen Jim since.

~ kalkae

My Alcoholic Sweetheart - Part 1

2010-01-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

During most of my time in college, I didn't date a lot. I had a few crushes, but nothing every happened with those guys which was frustrating at times. I'd go to a party, excited to see a certain guy and he'd barely give me the time of day.

The college I attended was relatively small. After a year, the only faces that seemed unfamiliar were the faces of the new, incoming, first year students. But, after about 6 months, their faces even became familiar. So, I knew Jim. I knew his face. But, he and I were never in a class together and we never formerly met. I always thought he was cute and I knew he was a good athlete. As I look back, I can't remember when we met, but I know we started talking to one another because I became friends with Annie, one of his friends.

I can't even remember how Jim and I started fooling around, either. I know that I wasn't taking it too serious because I knew he was involved with someone else, Hannah. The year prior I'd see Jim and Hannah together at parties. I also knew through Annie that Jim was still dating Hannah, however they were rarely together on campus because Hannah graduated the prior year. She did come to visit Jim on occasion, though.

My involvement with Jim started to become strained. I think I rationalized my involvement with him because we weren't having sex, just kissing and engaging in heavy petting. But, my conscious started catching up with me. Then, one day Jim told me that Hannah was coming to visit him.

I still remember where we were when he told me. I was standing at my desk in my dorm room. My desk was positioned right up against the window in this beautiful, brownstone building with hardwood floors and fireplaces. The view out of my window was the grassy quad in the middle of campus. It was a nice, sunny day and my roommates and I had the door to our room propped open to get a nice breeze through the place.

Jim shared a room with another guy in the same building as my room, but on the other side. I was at my desk when Joe appeared at the door. If I hadn't been standing kind of sideways he could have come right up behind me without my even knowing.

It was obvious from his face and his body language that he needed to tell me bad news. He was so sweet and gentle when he told me that Hannah was coming to visit that coming weekend. I wasn't surprised. I knew that eventually this would probably happen. I didn't feel jealous, angry or bitter. I felt bad for Jim and the position I had a part in putting him. I told him that I understood and I assured him that I wouldn't do anything to disrupt his relationship with Hannah. Then he said, "Yeah, I know. But, I don't really want her to come. I want to be with you."

I was really surprised and didn't know what to say or what to feel. Some people may argue that this was a good thing for me. However, I never started seeing Jim with the intention of "it going anywhere." In fact, I was feeling really lousy about myself for even seeing him when he supposedly had a commitment to another woman.

Jim did end it with Hannah. I felt so bad, so much remorse that I told Jim that I needed some time to myself. I told him I wasn't sure about the whole thing. I knew that I liked him a lot, but it just wasn't anything close to an ideal beginning.

So, I did take some time to consider being with Jim. He was very patient. Because we lived in the same building we'd see each other often. He was always nice to me and never pressured me.

~ kalkae

Choices – Part 2

2010-01-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

The first semester of my sophomore year in college went really well. I lived in a dorm that was more centrally located on campus than my freshman year dorm was. I also got out and socialized more. During my freshman year I didn't allow myself to meet many people because I was so focused on studying and my relationship with Tony. I lived a far more balanced life during my sophomore year and even made the Dean's List.

I also had an experience with Art that would later prove to be quit significant for me in my personal development. I met Art during our freshman year. He'd come down to the dorm where I lived to say hello and visit with one of my girlfriends, Mary. He and Mary both grew up in the City and attended the same high school. They had been friends for years and their parents even knew one another. Whenever Art visited Mary would always say after he left, "He's such a great guy."

I'd see Art around during my sophomore year. He was always friendly and down to earth. Somehow, one day he and I ended up doing something together. It all seemed very innocent to me. I thought we were hanging out as friends, just like we had done on a number of occasions with Mary during our freshman year.

However, when he walked me back to my dorm he came up to my room. After awhile we started kissing. I was not sure what was happening, but decided to go along with it. It seemed a bit strange to me, while at the same time almost fun. But, it was as if I wasn't allowing myself to have fun kissing him because I had always thought of him in the context of being "a friend." I also was not the least bit infatuated with him.

The next day, from my dorm room, I could see Art approaching my building. I started to freak out a bit. "Oh my gosh. He's coming to see me." I was really scared. In that moment I realized that he actually liked me. Oh, no. This guy liked me and I didn't have "those feelings" for him.

I have to tell you, this guy was a really great guy. He was far more mature than I was. Of course I didn't realize that at the time. Nor would I realize how great he was until many years later. I was just relieved that he took my rejecting him so well.

He did come up to my room and knock on the door. I answered it and invited him into my room. I was so anxious. I knew I had to somehow tell him that “I didn't like him like that." I did and I'll never forget what he said. Art simply replied, "Oh, okay. That was just a lot of fun yesterday with you. But, that's okay." And he left. Again, I was relieved, only concerned about myself and completely clueless that I just let a really great guy go without even giving him a chance.

After that it was never weird between Art and me. He was completely normal around me whenever we ran into each other on campus. I now suspect that while that experience was a big deal to me it probably wasn't for Art. As I said, he was a lot more mature than I was. He was probably simply checking the situation out with me and probably didn't approach relationships with women as I did with men. Meaning, it probably was about the person for him compared to it being all about the infatuation for me.

Many years later I thought about Art. But, more about that later when the time is right to share that experience with you.

~ kalkae

Choices - Part 1

2010-01-07T12:15:00.000-08:00

The summer before my senior year in high school, my father, stepmother, brother and I moved out to New Jersey. I was supposed to complete my last year in high school at a new school in New Jersey. But before the school year started my dad sent me back to the West coast to live with my mother an step-father so I could finish high school with all of my friends.

It was a tough year, living with my mother and stepfather. I never quit felt welcomed by my stepfather and again, my mother was consumed with her career. I got by living with them and actually completed high school with honors. But, I felt and obligation to move out to New Jersey and live with my father and stepmother. It was a self-imposed obligation – neither my dad nor stepmother pressured me to move out there. However, I didn't feel I had anywhere else to go.

My dad and I spoke about my uncertainty regarding college. He helped me see the wisdom in taking a year off. I think he always had a lot of faith in me and that I'd always do the right thing. So, I moved back to New Jersey and spent the first month looking for a job and researching small liberal arts colleges on the East coast. I found several I liked and applied to each school.

While I waited to hear whether or not I was accepted into any of the colleges to which I applied I started working. I got a job at one of the local restaurants as a waitress. That's where I met Maria. Maria was about a year older than me and she was the daytime bartender at the restaurant where we worked. I thought she was so much more grown-up than I was. I was about a year shy from being of age to drink alcohol, but somehow I managed to get into the nightclubs.

That's what Maria and I did on Friday and Saturday nights. We went out to the nightclubs. It was fun. I've always liked dancing and there were also boys there. That was a great combination for me. For Maria it was the alcohol and the boys. She was tall, thin, had a beautiful face and gorgeous, thick, long brown hair. So, we did get some attention, but we never got into any trouble.

There was one nightclub that we frequented almost every Friday or Saturday night. I remember seeing this cute Italian guy there a few times. Then, one night he and his friends came over to us and asked us to dance. I thought for sure that he was interested in Maria, but it ended up that he and I danced together most of that evening.

In between dancing we'd talk. His name was Tony and he was a few years older than me. He lived nearby with his parents. His dad owned a construction company and Tony was a roofer. It was hard, physically demanding work and he had the nice, tight body and strong arms to show it. He also wasn't shy about showing me that he liked me. He was very sweet to me and we started dating.

Tony was really the first relationship I had with a man who I think genuinely cared about me. We saw each other a lot, he had me over to dinner with his family, he came over to my house often and knew my parents and we had fun going out dancing on the weekends. When my parents were away on trips (they both worked for the airlines), Tony would stay the night. A few times when his parents were gone for the weekend I stayed the night at his house.

I already knew which college I was going to and when I was going to go by the time I met Tony. Being the romantic that I was I figured that we'd simply continue to see one another even when I went away to school. This wasn't so far fetched of an idea because we actually did.

Tony came up to visit me several times during my first year in college. Whenever I came home for a break we'd see one another. But then, the relationship seemed to start to become strained. I didn't want to admit it, but I was started to loose interest because our worlds were becoming so different. One evening we went into the City to visit some of my college friends who were a couple. I was so infatuated with Tony that it never occurred to me that this get together might be difficult for him. I still don't know if it was or not, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable that evening.

At the same time I was seeing Tony and in my first year of college I was very home sick for the West Coast. I started talking about transferring to a college on the West coast. Tony had visited me enough at school that he became friends with a few of my girlfriends. I was talking to one of my friends one day about the possibility of me transferring to a school on the West coast. I was surprised when she said to me, "Tony was talking to me about you transferring. He said that it bothers him because you don't seem to consider him in the equation at all."

I was shocked. My only response was, "Oh. He's right. I don't."

The relationship with Tony crumbled from that point on. It wasn't anything we talked a lot about either. I am not even sure how we ended it exactly. But I know that I realized that although I was "in love" with Tony I wasn't thinking in terms of a future with him. I know this hurt him. One of the last times I saw Tony was when I was home for a break. We decided to get together and go out dancing. I met him at his house. When I knocked on the door he simply said, "Come in." Prior to that he always answered the door and greeted me as I came into his home.

When I did walk inside his house I didn't even know where he was. I called out for him and it was only then that I could tell he was in his bedroom, lying on his bed. He was acting apathetic to my presence and us going out. We did go out and he spent most of the time at the club talking to a few of the women he'd obviously made friends with over the past few months. I didn't want to admit it to myself that evening, but it was obviously over between Tony and me.

Interestingly enough I did not end up transferring to a college on the West coast. My dad and I talked about the possibility of me transferring. He got me to see the wisdom in trying at least one more semester where I was currently enrolled. He said, "Give it one more try and if you're still unhappy then we’ll do what we need to do to have you transfer out to the West coast ..."

~ kalkae

A Pattern Starts to Emerge

2010-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Before I started high school my dad got married and we moved.We didn't move far, but we did move far enough that I had to go to a different high school than all my friends – kids I'd known since third grade.It was hard. The first few weeks I sat on the benches by myself during lunchtime. Ugh. Then I recognized a girl in one of my classes. We went to the same elementary school until she moved away in fourth or fifth grade. I started hanging out with her and her friends.

I remember all of that very clearly, but I do not remember when I first saw or met Tom. It's strange to me that I don't remember meeting him because I ended up having a serious crush on him for years.

I do remember that Tom and I were in a few of the same classes during our three years in high school. He was so cute. He was tall, athletic, popular, and always very nice to me. However, he seemed to always have a girlfriend. I was intrigued with the kids who were boyfriend-girlfriend in high school. I never was and had no clue how that ever happened between two young people. I think I also romanticized the whole notion of being high school sweethearts.

From time to time Tom would flirt with me too. I loved it when he did. Then, there came a time when he actually did not have a girlfriend. He even asked me to dance with him at one of the school dances. I was thrilled. Then he gave me a ride home from the dance. I was nervous and excited at the same time.

We sat in front of my house in the driveway and kissed. Wow, he kissed really well too. I was hooked. Then my dad came out to "say hi." I didn't think anything of it. My dad was very gregarious and my siblings' friends and mine always seemed to "love my dad." Tom and I said good night and off he drove.

I didn't know where I stood with Tom. When he passed by me during lunch the next school day I couldn't tell if he wanted me to come with him to the concession stand or not. I'd go to watch his games. He gave me a ride home once. But, going out with him just didn't go anywhere. I figured that he never really liked me that much anyway. I also knew that I was nervous around him, so I figured that made him uncomfortable. Years later I came to realize two things:

First, my nervousness around guys that I liked a lot was rooted in my fear of being abandoned and the deep seeded belief that I wasn't good enough.

Second, Tom was afraid of my dad! I discovered this at our 20-year reunion. Tom was there, out of shape and still struggling with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. I'd heard about Tom from time to time over the years and how he was having a difficult time. He was still very nice to me, even flirting with me a bit – as well as a few of the other women.

After the reunion that evening a number of us attended a party that one of our classmates organized. At one point during the party, Tom came up to me and we were chatting a bit. I realized that he was flirting with me, which, to my amazement brought up that giddy high schoolgirl in me. I didn't even think Tom was very cute any more, but the personality was there. I felt we were both catapulted back to our high school years. It was very strange.

Then he said it. He said, "Yeah, you're dad really freaked me out that time I gave you a ride home." I was amazed. I wondered if Tom and I would have kept dating if I my dad had not come out to say hello to us that evening. Did Tom only date girls whose parents weren't the least bit protective? Who knows? It's all speculation.

I didn't respond to what Tom said because I thought, "Well, it was a blessing in disguise that I did not end up with Tom. Here we are 20 years later and he's a mess." But, the interesting thing was that I was at my reunion and after party with my husband. As I stood there judging Tom I was not aware of something that I now know. I ended up marrying someone who had a number of similarities to Tom.

I also ended up marrying someone who I felt the same way as I did about Tom in high school. I even said to my marriage counselor several times that if I knew my husband in high school I would have had a serious crush on him. So, by the time my marriage was falling apart I was well aware of my pattern, but it would take a number of years, a few subsequent relationships and a lot of heartache to come to terms with it.

There was only a short period of time during my high school years that I didn't think a lot about Tom. It was the summer before my senior year when I met Ray. Ray's younger brother and I were classmates. I wasn't a friend with his younger brother, but I knew him. Ray's younger brother was a cool surfer and a lot of the girls had a crush on him.

I met Ray one evening when he and two of his friends came into the Baskin Robbins where I worked. That evening, like most shifts that I worked at Baskin Robbins I was working with Tammy. Tammy and I went to high school together and she was instrumental in my getting the job at Baskin Robbins.

Working at Baskin Robbins was fun. It was hard work scooping ice cream when the shop was crowded. But, all in all, working there was fun. There was a pizza place next door and this area of town was where all the high school kids hung out on the weekends.

It was obvious when Ray and his two friends came in that evening that one of his friends, Brad, came to see Tammy. Now, these were "older boys" who were already out of high school. But, I wasn't surprised Brad came into the shop to see Tammy. She was really pretty. She was tall; thin, had blue eyes, olive complexion, and sun streaked hair. Tammy and I had a lot of fun too. I really enjoyed the times we had working together at Baskin Robbins.

So, here were these three older boys, sitting at the Baskin Robbins while Tammy and I worked. Brad was very outgoing and talked to Tammy whenever she wasn't serving a customer. Ray and their other friend were pretty quiet and just sat at a table and hung out.

They ended up giving us a ride home that night. I sat next to Ray in the car. I remember glancing at him at one point and having the casual thought, "He's got a cute profile." But, I never thought much about him after that. It never occurred to me that he liked me. I mean, he was an older boy and I was just this little peon, high school girl. Well, I was wrong. It's only now, as I write this that I realize that was another one of my patterns – never considering that "a guy like that" would like me.

Ray did like me, but he was shy. He and his buddies would come to see Tammy and me a few more times before I found out that he liked me. I didn't find that out directly from him. I found it out from Tammy. It's all so "high school" huh?

We started dating. I became infatuated with Ray very quickly. He didn't have his own car, so getting together was always based upon him using his parent's car. At first it didn't seem to be a difficult thing for Ray to borrow the car. We'd go to the movies, he'd come over to my house, or he'd come and pick me up and we'd go to his house.

Ray didn't have a job, attended Jr College part time, played baseball for the JC and lived at home. He often didn't have money and when he wanted it he'd manage to do some type of chore like detailing his uncle's car to get some cash. But, wow was he cute. He was 100% "my type." Athletic, cute, surfer-type. I loved making out with him and after a few months I decided that it was okay if we "went all the way."

While I didn't know it then, by the time we did have sex the relationship was already doomed. Here was my pattern emerging again. I was involved with a guy who wasn't a very motivated individual and rather than see it for what it was I tried to make it into something that it wasn't. Getting together began to seem like less and less of a priority to Ray and I started complaining and whining.

I'm sure it was very unpleasant for Ray to sit on the phone and listen to me whine about how he wasn't doing this and he wasn't doing that. However, at the time not only did I not have any type of skills to handle the situation, I was completely unaware of the issues I had that were driving my behavior and me. Again, deep down I didn't think I was worthy of having this older, good-looking guy from a popular family interested in me in the first place. Then, on top of that I was unconsciously dealing with my fear of being abandoned by this guy.

The relationship ended when I initiated a conversation with Ray about "us." In initiating the conversation my intention was to work it out some how. But, to my surprise the relationship was over after the conversation. It was as if he was looking for an opening to end it and as soon as one appeared he took it.

I was really upset and actually got quit depressed. I went round and round in my head about what must have happened. This all took place over the course of the summer. Now the little fantasy I had of being with Ray during my senior year in high school was shot. Gone. I felt worthless and completely abandoned.

While I took it all on, feeling like he didn't want to go out with me anymore because I wasn't good enough, I was also 100% unaware of how I created the entire situation. But, how many 17 year olds have enough self-awareness to see what their part is in any situation? Not many. Like most people I had to live life in order to learn from it. But, eventually I did learn a lot about myself by looking back on this brief, yet significant experience that I had with Ray.

~ kalkae

The Stage Is Set

2010-01-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. I have a very nice holiday, spending it with my three children and my boyfriend.

The past year flew by quickly. When I take a glance at 2009 I see a lot of changes that took place in my life. This time last year I was dating a different man. I was not nearly as compatible and did not have nearly as much fun with him compared to the man I am currently dating. My kids have grown and matured a bit over the past year. All three of them are precious and wonderful in their own, unique ways. I also have a new job, one that I enjoy going to every day.

I am grateful.

But, my post today to my "Dating By Attraction" blog is not meant to be about remembering 2009. I am posting to my blog today to share with you more of my story as a single mother over 40 who is dating. It's a story about a woman learning about men, women and herself.

I'm giving this post the title "The Stage Is Set." I think you'll see why I gave it that title by the time you're finished reading this post.

The Stage Is Set

It was when I was a young adult that I started becoming aware of my issue with abandonment. Since that time I've often thought having that issue was odd. Why? Because my dad never, technically, abandoned us. I didn't really care if my mother was around or not. However, I've come to understand that why a person has certain issues/fears/hang ups is not, necessarily, logical.

I've come to know that as a little girl I felt abandoned simply because my dad wasn't around much. I'm also quit certain now that even though "I didn't care if my mother was around or not" I was still affected by her lack of interest in me, her daughter.

My issue with abandonment first reared its ugly head towards the end of Jr High. One of my girlfriends and I decided to go roller-skating one Friday night. We had so much fun we went the following Friday night as well. This soon became a regular Friday night outing for us. We started getting to know the crowd that hung out at the rink – the people that worked there, the professional skaters, and even some people who didn't skate but showed up there every weekend.

It was a fun time and innocent on my girlfriend's and my part. One of the older guys even took us under his wing as his pseudo little sisters. He really watched out for us. Soon my girlfriend and I were spending every Friday and Saturday nights down at the rink. Sometimes we'd even go to the rink on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Our "big brother" would take us to some of the competitions too. I loved watching the people I knew compete and win.

And there was Will. Will was one of the floor guards. I really didn't think much of Will. He was one of the people down at the rink that I knew. In fact, my girlfriend and I actually had a crush on the other floor guard – all the girls did because he was really cute. But, the floor guards were "older" and while we had our little crush it never entered my mind that either of them would be the least bit interested in us – little Jr High girls. I mean, I even had braces: big honking metal brackets and wires all over my mouth!

Well, I was wrong. I was walking home from school one afternoon when I looked up and saw Will in his car on the side street I was about to cross. It was so unexpected. It didn't feel creepy or anything. But, it was kind of strange to see him there. He gave me a ride home and it didn't seem like anything to me. It never occurred to me that he liked me.

After the ride home from school, whenever I went to the rink, Will grabbed my hand during the couples skating. I remember how he didn't like holding hands finger locked. We had to hold hands in what I considered to be "the old fashioned way." Still, my thinking was along the lines of, "Okay, no big deal. I'm just skating with this guy."

Then Will gave me a ride home one night after skating. I still didn't think much of it. I still wasn't thinking, "Oh, I like this guy." In fact, since he was older I felt a bit intimidated. I suppose I realized that he liked me, but it wasn't an awareness I had that was in the forefront of my conscience.

When we got to my house he parked out front. I'd never had an experience like this before. All the other boys I had dated didn't drive. We'd either hang out at school, or take the bus somewhere. This felt so grown-up to me and I really didn't know what to do.

Then, before I knew it we were kissing. It was a kiss like I had never had before. This guy had me in his arms and was practically engulfing me in his kiss with so much passion it blew me away. I just didn't know what to think. I remember getting out of the car and walking inside completely blown away. While lying in bed I realized that I really liked how he kissed me. It was incredible. I also realized that all the kissing I'd done up until that point simply wasn't really kissing!

Will become my first infatuation and our romance never went much further than that one kiss. That wasn't my choice. Truth be told I think I was far too nervous around him and that was probably a turn off to him. However I was really stuck on this guy for another year or so – until I moved to a nearby town and didn't see my girlfriend as much. Because I moved, going to the rink every Friday and Saturday night became less and less of an option.

But, the stage was set with the experience I had with Will. While I wasn't aware of it then, I was setting the stage of equating infatuation with love.

~ kalkae

The Boy In Kindergarten

2009-12-31T18:26:00.000-08:00

It's the eve of a new year and a new decade. It's seems somewhat ironic to me that it is today that I'm going to start to share my story on this blog. Here we go:

I remember the first time a boy flirted with me. It was in kindergarten. You know how in kindergarten you sit on the floor in front of your teacher? Well, one of the boys in my class would sit next to me and whisper in my ear, "I'm going to marry you when we grow up." Or, he would whisper, "I want to kiss you."

This same boy would find me on the playground and say the same two things:

I'm going to marry you when we grow up.
I want to kiss you.

I do not even remember the boy's name and I vaguely remember what he looked like. However, I clearly remember how it felt when he flirted with me. I would get giddy, giggly and it felt really special.

So, you could imagine how I felt when after awhile he moved onto one of the other girls in our class. I wasn't devastated, but I was bothered. It was a 5 year olds version of realizing that maybe, perhaps, she wasn't so special and it was all just a game to him.

But the experience was similar with what was going on at home for me. I had two older sisters and a younger brother. We were all close in age and vying for our father's attention when he was home. My dad was a commercial airline pilot and on the road 4 to 5 days a week, sometimes even longer.

It was such a thrill when my dad came home from a trip. He'd come thorough the front door in his uniform, looking all-important and handsome. We'd fight for his hat and he'd plop it on top of one of our heads. Whenever I got it I felt special.

We would wrap ourselves around his ankles and he'd walk around with us sitting on his foot saying, "Look at these big warts I have on my ankles. What am I going to do?" We'd laugh and giggle and usually end up on the floor with our dad tickling us.

I adored my dad and I always missed him when he wasn't home. I always felt safe when he was home. I also always felt that my dad loved me, but I never felt that I got enough of his time or attention.

So, this extra attention I received from this boy at school did something for me – as long as it lasted.

Years later my parents got divorced. They had been separated for a while and my dad was living in a one-bedroom apartment. He would take us over night often, all five of us in his little apartment. Again, I was simply happy to be with my dad.

We found out about our parents' divorce from my dad. It was one of the times we were at his place. He sat us all down on the coach and said he had something to tell us. He started crying, deeply, as he told us that our mom decided to get a divorce. I remember feeling so bad for my dad. I wasn't angry with my mom. In fact, I wasn't even surprised. It kind of seemed to make sense to me because my parents seemed to argue a lot. Prior to my dad moving out, I would often hear our parents yelling at one another in their bedroom, behind closed doors.

Shortly after that my parents announced to us that my dad was going to live in the house with us and my mom was going to move out. I was thrilled that my dad was going to have custody of us. The weekend that he moved back into the house I was away with a girlfriend and her family on a trip to the desert. I remember walking home from her house upon our return on a Sunday, filled with excitement to see my dad.

When I got home the foyer was filled with boxes, but instead of being met by my dad, I was met by my sisters, brother and a babysitter. I felt very sad and disappointed.

My dad raised us a bachelor for five years during a time when that simply was not done. I would see my mom occasionally and on some holidays. But, my mom was consumed with her career and I preferred being with my dad anyway – at least when he was home. He was still on the road a lot with his profession as a pilot and we were often home with yet another guardian that he hired to watch us when he was away.

What does all this have to do with dating? For me, I realized it had a lot to do with what kind of dating experiences I had.

It is apart of the human condition that the experiences we have from when we're born up until we're about 8 years old shape us. Our brains are continuing to develop during that period of time, as well as many other aspects of ourselves. Many of us are walking around approaching the world from that perspective – the perspective of an 8 year old – even younger in some cases. We're not even aware of it, though because we've got it that the way we perceive things is real. What we're not aware of us how much of a part we have in creating what we experience in our lives.

I'll use myself as an example. It's really not a stretch to see how when I did start actually dating boys in Junior High school I would "go steady" with a boy simply because he liked me. I remember this one boy, who many of the girls had a crush on since elementary school, starting to take an interest in me in Jr High. He'd walk me to class and my girlfriends started to tell me that he was going to ask me to go steady with him.

Well, he did one day, right in the hallway before the bell was about to ring. I was very indifferent about him and couldn't understand why he wanted to go steady with me.

This same experience repeated itself several more times for the next few years. When I kissed each of these guys, with whom I was "going steady," I really did not enjoy the experience at all. I can't even remember how each of these "relationships" ended, but none of them lasted very long and they were all superficial – at least for me they were.

You see, the circumstances were there, but I created something from it that made it into my little drama:

The circumstances: A boy liked me and was paying attention to me. Other girls like the boy.

My little drama: He's giving me attention. While that's good it's uncomfortable. There must be something wrong with him for liking me. There also must be something wrong with me if I do not like him. So, I better play along.

I'm sure some psychologists would have a field day with the above, and believe me I've had a few professionals over the years help me sort out my past. But my point here is to draw a correlation between how I handled situations that came up in my life based upon my experiences as a little girl. The truths is that another little girl could have had the same experience as I did growing up and make it mean something entirely different. That is also another aspect of the human condition: We're very creative in what we make what we experience mean for us.

So, for me, I entered the dating world with two major issues:

First, as I shared above, I did not see myself as worthy of a boy's attention. Second, I feared being abandoned.

~ kalkae

Why I Started This Blog

2009-12-29T15:19:00.000-08:00

As I sit here and write this post I think to myself, "With the issues you've had in your marriage and in past relationships, why do you want to write about all of it?" Then I remembered something that happened a few years ago.

It was about 8:00 am on a Saturday morning and I was loafing around on the coach. My children were with their father for a few days, so it was quiet in the house. My cell phone suddenly startled me by ringing. No one ever called me that early in the morning.

I didn't recognize the number appearing in the caller ID, but I answered the phone anyway – not something I usually do. I was pleasantly surprised that it was Karen, a woman my age who I knew through mutual friends. Whenever Karen and I saw one another we always seemed to have a great conversations. Our conversations were usually about spirituality and personal growth. Since Karen's divorce, we also had a number of deep conversations about what we've learned from our past relationships with men.

While I was pleasantly surprised to hear from Karen, I quickly realized that she was a bit distressed. She proceeded to tell me that while she was doing her laundry at the laundry mat that morning she met a man. She told me, "Now I am freaking out because I agreed to go out with him!"

Karen and I talked about her experience. She simply needed someone to help her sort it out so that she could make sense of what just happened. She felt it was such a strange place to meet a man and didn't know if she should trust what was going on or be skeptical.

A few weeks later I saw Karen and asked her how her date went. She smiled and said, "It was very nice and we're still seeing one another." We chatted a bit about the situation and she added, "I called you that morning and gave it to you so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Thanks for letting me do that." I said, "My pleasure."

Karen is still dating the man she met in the laundry matt, they get along very well, and she is happy. I did wonder, though, why she chose to call me. I knew that she was much closer with several of our other mutual friends. I realized that Karen wasn't the only female friend or acquaintance I had that called me to talk about their dating and relationship experiences.

There is something I provide to women that helps them find their way through the dating maze. I'm not sure what it is, but I suspect it has something to do with how I share so openly about my experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly – and what I've learned from those experiences.

So, I write this post to my new blog to share with women my experiences and what I've learned in an effort to help as many women as possible have more fulfilling dating experiences.

Disclaimer: While all of the stories posted in this blog are true, names and identities have been changed in order to respect people's privacy.

~kalkae

Getting Started

2009-11-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Virtue. Longevity. Continuity. Exclusivity.

These are just a few words that I've heard about - read about- over the past 5 years during my dating journey as a single mother, who is over forty.

I thought I knew what these four words meant when I first started hearing them in the context of dating. Then, as I gained more dating experience as a single mother, over forty, I realized that perhaps I didn't really know what these words meant.

So, I looked up the definition for each one of them.

Virtue: 1. a. conformity to a standard of right. b. a particular moral excellence; 2. a commendable quality or trait; 3. chastity, especially in a woman.

Longevity: 1. a. a long duration of individual life. b. length of life; 2. long continuance.

Continuity: 1. a. uninterrupted connection, succession, or union. b. uninterrupted duration or continuation, especially without essential change.

Exclusivity: 1. a. excluding or having power to exclude. b. limiting or limited to possession, control, or use by a single individual or group; 2. excluding others from participation.

So, why these four words? Why this blog? What's the big deal?

Well, my purpose for this blog is to share my journey with other women in a similar situation. Maybe this blog will help other women date with more ease, freedom and enjoyment. Maybe this blog will help other women feel like they are not alone with the types of experiences they are having while dating. Maybe this blog will entertain others.

If any or all of these things happen as a result of this blog, great. If not, that's okay too.

I started this blog with the four above words because there came a point in my dating journey when those four words enlightened me. I've learned a lot about myself over the past five years. I've also learned a lot about men, women and how men and women can be together more effortlessly and experience more fun and joy together.

But, what I'm going to do with this blog is to go way back. Back into my history to share my experience - not just the recent past, but also the distant past because the two are intrinsically tied together.

Comments are welcome, as long as those comments move this conversation forward.

In peace,

kalkae