Choices - Part 1

The summer before my senior year in high school, my father, stepmother, brother and I moved out to New Jersey. I was supposed to complete my last year in high school at a new school in New Jersey. But before the school year started my dad sent me back to the West coast to live with my mother an step-father so I could finish high school with all of my friends.

It was a tough year, living with my mother and stepfather. I never quit felt welcomed by my stepfather and again, my mother was consumed with her career. I got by living with them and actually completed high school with honors. But, I felt and obligation to move out to New Jersey and live with my father and stepmother. It was a self-imposed obligation – neither my dad nor stepmother pressured me to move out there. However, I didn't feel I had anywhere else to go.

My dad and I spoke about my uncertainty regarding college. He helped me see the wisdom in taking a year off. I think he always had a lot of faith in me and that I'd always do the right thing. So, I moved back to New Jersey and spent the first month looking for a job and researching small liberal arts colleges on the East coast. I found several I liked and applied to each school.

While I waited to hear whether or not I was accepted into any of the colleges to which I applied I started working. I got a job at one of the local restaurants as a waitress. That's where I met Maria. Maria was about a year older than me and she was the daytime bartender at the restaurant where we worked. I thought she was so much more grown-up than I was. I was about a year shy from being of age to drink alcohol, but somehow I managed to get into the nightclubs.

That's what Maria and I did on Friday and Saturday nights. We went out to the nightclubs. It was fun. I've always liked dancing and there were also boys there. That was a great combination for me. For Maria it was the alcohol and the boys. She was tall, thin, had a beautiful face and gorgeous, thick, long brown hair. So, we did get some attention, but we never got into any trouble.

There was one nightclub that we frequented almost every Friday or Saturday night. I remember seeing this cute Italian guy there a few times. Then, one night he and his friends came over to us and asked us to dance. I thought for sure that he was interested in Maria, but it ended up that he and I danced together most of that evening.

In between dancing we'd talk. His name was Tony and he was a few years older than me. He lived nearby with his parents. His dad owned a construction company and Tony was a roofer. It was hard, physically demanding work and he had the nice, tight body and strong arms to show it. He also wasn't shy about showing me that he liked me. He was very sweet to me and we started dating.

Tony was really the first relationship I had with a man who I think genuinely cared about me. We saw each other a lot, he had me over to dinner with his family, he came over to my house often and knew my parents and we had fun going out dancing on the weekends. When my parents were away on trips (they both worked for the airlines), Tony would stay the night. A few times when his parents were gone for the weekend I stayed the night at his house.

I already knew which college I was going to and when I was going to go by the time I met Tony. Being the romantic that I was I figured that we'd simply continue to see one another even when I went away to school. This wasn't so far fetched of an idea because we actually did.

Tony came up to visit me several times during my first year in college. Whenever I came home for a break we'd see one another. But then, the relationship seemed to start to become strained. I didn't want to admit it, but I was started to loose interest because our worlds were becoming so different. One evening we went into the City to visit some of my college friends who were a couple. I was so infatuated with Tony that it never occurred to me that this get together might be difficult for him. I still don't know if it was or not, but I found myself feeling uncomfortable that evening.

At the same time I was seeing Tony and in my first year of college I was very home sick for the West Coast. I started talking about transferring to a college on the West coast. Tony had visited me enough at school that he became friends with a few of my girlfriends. I was talking to one of my friends one day about the possibility of me transferring to a school on the West coast. I was surprised when she said to me, "Tony was talking to me about you transferring. He said that it bothers him because you don't seem to consider him in the equation at all."

I was shocked. My only response was, "Oh. He's right. I don't."

The relationship with Tony crumbled from that point on. It wasn't anything we talked a lot about either. I am not even sure how we ended it exactly. But I know that I realized that although I was "in love" with Tony I wasn't thinking in terms of a future with him. I know this hurt him. One of the last times I saw Tony was when I was home for a break. We decided to get together and go out dancing. I met him at his house. When I knocked on the door he simply said, "Come in." Prior to that he always answered the door and greeted me as I came into his home.

When I did walk inside his house I didn't even know where he was. I called out for him and it was only then that I could tell he was in his bedroom, lying on his bed. He was acting apathetic to my presence and us going out. We did go out and he spent most of the time at the club talking to a few of the women he'd obviously made friends with over the past few months. I didn't want to admit it to myself that evening, but it was obviously over between Tony and me.

Interestingly enough I did not end up transferring to a college on the West coast. My dad and I talked about the possibility of me transferring. He got me to see the wisdom in trying at least one more semester where I was currently enrolled. He said, "Give it one more try and if you're still unhappy then we’ll do what we need to do to have you transfer out to the West coast ..."

~ kalkae